Metamorphosis

Change..

2010-08-20T01:22:00.001+02:00

I haven’t been writing for ages. Yes ages. I have been reading my last posts and I notice the changes on how I write and how I see things in life. I was chatting with an old friend of mine days ago. I did notice the changes on how we talk, the topics that we talk about and I notice the distance that we have but we kept on talking. I talked with my mother and brother and again I notice the changes. Yes, changes. So here I am writing and trying to understand changes.

We all know that changes occur in life. We change, the world change everything changes. It may happen in a second, it may happen in a day or two or even in a year of time. But we all notice that things could change. But one thing I also know is some of us deny changes to happen and one of them will be me. That my dear friends made me wonder why do we change? Could we actually accept changes? How far could we live with changes? Did I change?

Yes, we all change. I was watching a movie the other night and it also talk about changes. And I notice from that particular movie that changes were caused by growing up, us growing up and having life of our own. We built our career; we try to build our love life while in the same time trying to hold on to what we got from the past. As we all try to build our life we all change. At least that’s what I think why we all change. We adapt to our new state of mind, our new life and our new habit. We all turn more complicated than we used to. Don’t we all agree that our life now is so much more complicated than our life back in high school?

Yes, we grew. Our body grows and we buy new cloths that fit. So we change our style and we change our size. Adapting to what our body made us do is way more easier and more logical of course, than adapting to our mind and heart which, sometime they have their own fights inside our body like we have been growing with someone else inside us that kept and keep on fighting every time they can. But that is just what are on the table my friends. We could all simplify on how we think. We grew and we all change. But then again I started to wonder how far could we live with changes? How far is it ok for us to change?

Life may have no limits they say. People even believe climb the highest mountain even now people even reach the moon and even reach the furthest planet we ever known. Well hello Pluto. But as we reach Pluto a question will pop is there someone or something live there? Can we human actually live there? No one knows yet. But in my opinion life should have a limit. There is a limit on how far could we change and should change. We all have our own capacity right? Even a tank will over flow with water if we keep on filling it up. Should we allow our self-being to change? The answer is of course. But how far could we handle the changes? How far are we willing to let us change?

We are selfish creatures. We will give our self the green light to climb the highest mountain, to fly and have the privileged to land on the moon. How many mountains should we climb until we stop. Different Mountain gave us different changes towards a different experience, a different life story and result a different us. Should we be scared of it? Maybe we should be scared of the changes we made towards our self. But the again we are selfish creature. As we change I started to wonder how many of us even care how many people we hurt, how many people do we actually neglected as we change? Are we that selfish?

As people made changes we notice and we feel we have to catch up. As we are running towards the same cliff, we forgot that we also change and we torture others as we it happened. This is another chain in life that we made. Could we bound our self from the changing ?

Here I am going around and around with my own thoughts. Bad old habit I guess. Trying to balance my thoughts and heart but yeah sometime I do wonder will it ever meet in an agreements. And the answer is probably never. But can I deny my changes? Should I reject all the changes that are happening around me?

After my doodle above and reading it over and over again this is what I got. I’m one of those who reject changes. I got to admit that I am one of those who hate the changes that have been happening around me and to me. As the world change I adapt as someone else and as I change the world changes with me it is hard to keep up and be stable. Everything seems to move so fast. But then again I got to have a peace of mind at some point and that will achieved probably by learning to accept changes instead of asking why. What we all need to remember is that the only things that I know will stop us from uncontrollable changes are our love ones. We just have to open our minds and heart to notice that we have people who are close enough and have the impact on any changes that we made. Changes may be scary for us. And of course we all are allowed to be scared. But one thing I will always keep in mind is to make sure that I don’t hurt the ones that I love and hopefully love me back to even care. Changing in a wiser way. Well at least that is I. That is who I am. Besides in each changes we made we still have the real us inside. There must be some part of us that is still and will always be the same. But the again I started to wonder, as I care enough to change with dignity and care towards the one I claim to love, will they ever care enough to change with a care and love towards me?

Now I know that what scares me the most and that is what I have hated the most, changes from the ones that I love. Yes, the fear that I have to face, but then again the question remains, will they? I wish they will, but none have proved so.

don't you just love it ..

2010-03-27T03:06:00.001+01:00

Enjoy !
Originally uploaded by Julie Grath

yum yum

from me to you..

2010-03-20T23:35:00.002+01:00

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

...

2010-03-20T23:33:00.001+01:00

I’ve always been haunted by the memories of us. One of the hardest things for me was watching you walk away. They may be able to never hurt you like I did, but they will never love you like I still do. If anything, I promise you that.

a mirror.. a question to my self..

2010-03-20T04:02:00.002+01:00

ow yes! true story..

2010-03-20T03:36:00.003+01:00

by — Nicholas Sparks

2010-03-19T02:55:00.001+01:00

Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.

Diemen, 19 March 2010, 1:55 A.M

2010-03-19T02:18:00.002+01:00

My words and my stories is all that I have left. Writing is all I have left. Tonight is another silent night. Home alone. No one to talk to and no one that I could even ask how their day was. No one special to share my day with. All I have is just me and my cat. Anyways, as the evening sky turn darker and the wind blow stronger, I wished to the wind to take my mellow mood away. I decided to write my day and my thoughts instead, since there is no one to talk to. But I’ll talk to you. Yes, you who ever you are the one that is reading this piece and thank you for reading. This is the first time I shared my day in an obvious way. So I hope you can read through it and I really appreciate it. Big love to you and keep on reading my next entries.

Human. No wonder human is called a social being. It is a fact we can’t live by ourselves. We need someone else to be part of our life. Be grateful if you have a person to share your day with. Don’t think that I am an unsocial kind because I’m talking about this. I do have friends. I have people to talk to –supposedly-. But yeah life do change. It seem the older we get, we have different priority in life. People have jobs; people have their priorities that they spend most of their times with. Mine is my dissertation proposal. Yes, that is what I'm currently busiest with. Supposedly. Not something that I can talk about now or even want to talk about. I’ve been taking care of it for the whole day. I guess it will be nice not to talk about it here, don’t you agree?

Anyways letting someone know how my day was or share my day with is a necessity for me. Why? Because we are human. By the end what ever you feel, you will feel the urge to share it. Either by telling, debating about it or even just to have someone sit next to you in silent. But how do you share it and with whom, will all depends on how the heart and brain wish you to do it with and how. A right and comfortable company. By the end it all depends on you. Yes we need someone. We need another person to relate to.

Once you had a bad day you intend to search for someone even more. Either to talk or someone who you wish could make you smile and tell you your day is not that bad and that you are not alone. Someone your heart feels comfortable with. A nice statement just to give you comfort. In this kind of day I wish for that the most. Yes finding someone to understand the burden in your heart is not easy. You need someone that you can feel comfortable with. You need someone that your heart feels warmth. Someone who knows you well. There is always a certain someone or a certain amount that you are willing to share. Everything should be right in order to open the gate of waste in your heart. But in these busy days or also known as workdays, I don't have that option. I don’t have the guts to bother someone’s life while they have more important things to do and ask them to talk to me instead. No I’m not that kind of person who could do so. So I swallow this day whole and I spill it here. haha

But to be honest, most of the times I really don’t mind being alone. I used to enjoy my time alone. I could stay in my room for weeks and only come out to the grocery store, the city once and a while just to buy a cup of coffee in the station and/or school. My Indonesian friends, well most of them went back for good to Indonesia and the ones left are the ones that got a job to think about on day time and rest in silence on the evening. So back to me alone. Yeah so all I can do is find something to distract my self on daytime and figure something fun in the evening. Celebrate my days by walking around to the city when the sun is shinning with enough money for a cup of coffee and stay inside the house when the sky is gray. Watching people in the city is one of the things that could cheer me up. Knowing that I’m not alone.

But here is the general idea of what happen today.

Somehow today it didn’t went well. My heart ache, my tooth aches and my head ache. I have acid in my belly for almost a week now and it’s not getting any better. All I want to do today was lie on my bed, which It is not an option to do for now. School stuffs come first. As I’m powering through school obligation issue, my laptop starts to acting up. The Microsoft word won’t work. It suddenly shut down on me and all those things that I wrote just magically vanish. All I can do is hold my breath as it happened and try to re-open the software. But all I got is another rejection from my Microsoft word. My jaw drop. What I typed for hours just flew out of the window. Run free I’ll never see it again. Unless my word work and me typing it all back. Stupid me for not saving it. so clumsy of me like always. Well at least it is not all gone. I thank god for Bill Gates inventing the auto save. So I have some parts rescued. I hope. All I need is this word thing to work. Even now I can’t opened it. So I decided to write my story instead. I always write my blog in word and I copied it to my blog pages. But I guess I don’t have any option for today. So I just go ahead and write in this blog page. So I apologize for the grammar or misspelling that I do.

So that is just some part of my day. Not as bad as I thought after I read it. It is only a bump on the road. I can get through of it of course. I just feel like writing actually. I just feel like talking about it somehow. I actually wish to laugh about it. But yeah what is wishful thinking if it is all in the past. What had happen, happened and what is done, well it is done. I guess it s caused by not having anyone to talk to today. All I want is to tell what kind of day that I had and that’s it. This blog doesn’t have any specific story like I used to write or a hidden message in it. It is just a story of today. I need to spill it out. I’m sorry I can’t take it. It’s just too much lately. I had a half-week full of drama already. I just have to spill the a light rain to the world to release the some weight in my heart and brain. Sound selfish but hey it’s my blog and I’m human I guess I am entitled and have the right to write whatever and it shouldn’t matter how long it is as well.. haha. Well hope you all enjoy me mocking my Thursday. Wish me a better day tomorrow. Hope the stars are all align for me tomorrow. A brighter day and a brighter heart and enjoy my day with a smile even though I’ll be walking through my day alone.

Thank you for reading my day. Stay tune. Tomorrow story will be better. At least it won’t be this personal. A riddle to someone special will be included I think. Well will just see how the day go tomorrow. I hope it will be fun. Nity nite readers.

Tonight..

2010-03-16T00:49:00.002+01:00

Swallow it whole and smile.. -me-

To the ladies..

2010-03-15T00:03:00.003+01:00

I was browsing on the net and I found this.. I couldn't agree even more to this short note.. This is dedicated to the ladies in search..

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"....

Yes this kind of man is worth the wait..

Quotation #2 today..

2010-03-13T16:59:00.000+01:00

"The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs."

-Unknown-

Quotation #1 today

2010-03-13T16:33:00.001+01:00

"So u said u loved me many times. Well here's a tip - stop saying it, prove it....& I might just sit up & listen. "

(The Love Stories)

My traffic controller..

2010-03-13T15:03:00.001+01:00

The urge to write today is high. There are so many stories, question, feelings that are rumbling, crashing in my brain. I need to reboot. I need to sort things out. I need to stand up and start walking. Little by little. I promise I wont run.

This chamber of thought is going to explode. The sun is shinning today, as my music play list offers me soundtrack to boost my mood of sadness and happiness that have been tangled for quite sometime, Therefore I am writing few stories in one time. Cool huh? Yes that means I am switching from one pages to another. Life has to get better soon. I have to return to my dear old self. I am currently practicing again to juggle few balls at one time. Yes by that, I mean writing few stories in one time. I need to rearrange my thoughts and shunt away the clouds upon my instinct and believes. I need a traffic controller for my mind. I wonder who is the best candidate for this job? Well of course the answer will always be my mom.

Mother. When I was young or even now I’m running on my 25^th year treadmill, she will always be my best traffic controller for my thoughts. I could just spill all my thoughts to the only bowl full of love in this world. She would listen, she would comment, she would piss me off, and she will lead my way. She will help me to sort out and strengthen my decisions and me. The only tower that know and watches me, where I’m heading, which destination should I go to and even which stops is available in case of emergencies. It doesn’t mean that she wants me to do this and that and have to do this and that. She just led me the way. She just gives me her hands whenever I’m lost on my own way in life. The soothing voice, the generous laughs, the warm heart even when she is million miles away. The place where I could just cry for my stupidity, scream for help and never be judged.

Sometimes in life we have many things to deal with that it all got cluttered in your mind. You got confused which should be done coz the heart expect “A” to be mend and the thoughts know that “B” should be priority, but the again our selfishness wants “C” to be dealt. Yes the argument inside your own self. By the time everything is cluttered I pick up my phone, dial the only number that I know will always be available for my aid 24 hours a day. My 911. My mother, the traffic controller for my cluttered mind.

Thank you mom, for always being there for me and listens to my crappy life day by day. Thank you for today solutions, “just write all of your thoughts even though no one will understands”, she said and I couldn’t agree more. Coz that is exactly what I’m doing just now. But then I couldn’t just leave this blog like this. I couldn’t help but wonder, who is your traffic controller in life?

so you know..

2010-03-11T22:00:00.002+01:00

Dear Eastern Star,

2010-03-06T12:06:00.007+01:00

Forgive me for what I’ve done. Forgive me for making your light so dim. Forgive me for making the night so dark. You have been through a lot and I should have held your hands back then. I should have been strong and protect you from harm and make you shine. Forgive me my heart I wound you so bad. Those wounds I made. I made you bleed till hate. I dig my own grave. It doesn’t matter. I wish I could find a cure for you. But I will keep on searching for a heal. Apparently you found your own healer. I smile upon my grief. It is a joy to see you shine again. It is a joy to see laugh and smile. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all my darkness. Forgive me for everything. I’m apologizing for not helping you to heal the wound that I made. I should have been better.

Thank you for making me realized how much that I’ve badly changed. Thank you for making me realize of my mistakes and realizing I shouldn’t have hurt anyone that much. I regret for what I did and I thank god for giving me time to redeem myself. I know I’ll be better I know I’ll learn. I did learn. Thank you, you taught me honesty. Thank you for making me realized I loose myself back then. Thank you for making me noticed myself. Thank you for you gave me the reality that I should not let my self to be pulled so deep into the dark. Never notice I was so deep in the dark. Now I am returning to my real path, my real self, my true self. Thank you for reminding me how strong I am. Thank you for you taught me to live my life better. Thank you for holding me each time I fall. I’ll try my best to learn how to stand on my own. Thank you for you taught me to take care of myself whenever you are away. It became very useful nowadays. Thank you, for you taught me how to spend my days better. Thank you, you had gave me such a wonderful home. It was a comfort that I had never known and it will always be. Your heart is so pure dear eastern star and your light is so bright. Thank you, for you introduced me how it feels to love truly. Thank you for letting me feel loved and cared unconditionally. Thank you, for you taught me how to cry and be grateful for each tear. Thank your for taking care of me. Thank you for holding my hands throughout my days. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for lighting my days, even on a beautiful days you can make it a brighter day. Thank you for all the laughter. Thank you for all the fun, joy and crazy things I never could imagine doing. Thank you, for you taught me how to read, books became a true friend of mine and reading signs in life leads my way. Thank you, you taught me to never give up even on my darkest days, keep my heads up. Thank you for always being such a wonderful man and for your believes in me. Thank you, for you taught me how to forgive. Thank you, for you made me realize that I can write with my heart. Thank you for so many things, I couldn’t write it all. I feel grateful coz if it’s not because of you, my life wouldn’t became what I have today. I couldn’t ask for a better heart then you.

I am grateful for the beautiful times you have given me. I am grateful for each days, even seconds of it. I am grateful for everything you thought me. I am grateful for every single butterflies and every single heartbeat. I am grateful for you are always have been there for me. I am grateful for making me believe and see life from much beautiful side. I am grateful to god for the chances and brought you to my life for god knows how long. I am grateful you taught me how to live my life and learn from you how to map my life better. I am grateful, for you taught me how to fly. I am looking forward for my wings to actually flap.

I never could say it enough, I apologize for what I’ve done and thank you for everything I am very grateful for having you in my life. You are the only star that can shine so bright.

You will always be a part of me.

Love always,

- Kay -

I'm Sailing To ...

2010-03-06T01:34:00.004+01:00

"Come come come my secrets, let us reveal ourselves". That is what I said to my thoughts today. People say some could write better when their heart is broken or they are in love and someone told me that I wrote better when I am feeling down. What I said to myself is that I write better when I actually feel something that I could recognize and scan the feelings I have. Why do I feel this way? Who is the one I’m thinking of? What do I want to know? What do I want to share? In other words I could write when the feelings are clear. Yes like I said on my previous blog. The pureness of the stories was filtered. The real and pure ones are in my diary. But still, this story is me.

Here I am starting all over again. Hope this one will pan out. I sailed in my boat for almost years now. I wrecked the ship. I wrecked our ship. I am still sailing in this ship and still in the same ocean. I am trying to dock my ship back to the harbor. Don’t be alarm don’t be scared. I won’t force my ship to dock. But, I won’t also give up.

I am still in the middle of nowhere right now. Even the seagulls don’t fly by. I couldn’t see the harbor just now. But I will keep on sailing. Before I sail, this ship should be repair. Till then I am releasing my anchors down, waiting for the sign to continue my voyage to you.

I notice the wind blow for its own reason. The storm that came is a natural event that I have to conquer and I will. Till then I believe you could see me in your radar. The radio works very well. You can contact me anytime you want anytime you need. And when the radio is off for a week or two. I will listen to the wind carefully just incase you need me.

Why am I here? Coz I believe fairy tales ends with a happy ending. I believe that life could be better and I believe on the ship and the harbor. I believe in the storm and surviving it. I believe in life and all its stories. I believe in us and always will. Is my head over the clouds? Nope I know it's not. My head is where it should be. Coz what human don’t realize is that as scary the journey of life is , anything could happen and everything could change and miracles do exist. I believe our miracles will never ends. For now, all I can do is try and let faith and wind take me to you. Hopefully I’ll navigate this ship right.

But then I started to wonder. I am a believer of our fairytale, but are you still a believer too?

I believe in fairy tale..

2010-03-04T22:21:00.004+01:00

I never believe in fairytales, until I found you. I lost my believe somewhere along the way. But I’m on my way in finding myself and I found my believes’ back.

Fairytale has its own climax in its story. They have their own ways of telling their tales. It never was a romantic love movie. It is its own kind and I believe that fairytale fills with miracles and ends with a happy ending. Our story is not over, this is not the end. We create our own ending, and we believe our own stories. This is our fairytale this is our story. As long as the world keeps on spinning and both of us still breathing, it’s not the end. I believe on our happy ending and I believe in you and me. This is just an end of a chapter in our own book, and we will start the next in our own time.

my diary and my filtered version of it..

2010-03-03T14:39:00.003+01:00

If in the past people write letters for their someone special, have a pigeon to sent the letter with no guarantee that the mail will reach its destination, then we are the lucky generations. We have Internet to do the trick, webcams, we have tracker for packages, we have phones, we have SMS and now we have BBM. See so many alternatives to reach your love ones. Yes, Sometimes we feel it’s more sentimental, more honest, more special to write the words on how precious he or she is and what you actually hope for or even feel and be sure they receive the little pieces of your heart you just send, Instead of saying it out loud. Just a private message for the him or her.

There is also a time where you just want to have, the chance and courage to tell your deepest feeling but you just don’t have the strength or unsure if it is the right thing to do. Sometimes you want to open the content of your heart to that special one. Yes honesty regarding love is hard. In the old days those messages was hidden in a diary or even ones heart instead of being revealed, exposed to the person. But now it is amazingly out in the open or at least we have an alternative to do so, a tool to be honest.

Hmm diary, a rectangular thing with pages and pages of how you feel, that rectangular shape thing with pages is known as a book. The valuable diary is a bowl to pour your solitude, gratitude, and the memory of each of your days. Where words by words are more personal, where you pour all your heart into it through your hands that moves without you thinking of what you’re going to write just keep on writing what you actually feel. Freedom. Liberty for the heart and mind to reveal its deepest secrets, regrets, love stories, your thoughts, your stupidity. Place where the secret is sacred and safe. A bowl where you don't have to filter on what you write. You just write and write and write some more. It’s a copy of your heart and mind, it could be a crime scene where the battle of the heart and mind is exposed and saved for future records. You expose the names, the time, the concrete stories, the feeling and detailed stories as far as you can remember. You wrote how you feel just how you feel in that book even the most stupid thoughts and wishes you have in the back of your mind. One of the mediums to write without fear of people will know, judge, debate or even gossip about what ever you think, want and feel. The book of anger, love, hate, joy, and even sadness. The secret of ones heart. The secret book that some even brings it to where ever they went and guards them with their life for it is a copy of ones heart and mind.

As time went by people fears towards revealing their life is getting less and less. They start to ignore what people actually think or how will people feel after reading the short version of your day. This is where the diary evolves into a blog and now there is also twitter where it is basically your journal or diary of thoughts, information, feelings all mash up in 3 sentences or sometimes even only a word. A pure shout of help, joy, tear or even breakdowns hoping that someone will come to congrats, support, notice or even sending a hug through words to calm oneself down.

Well well well the world did change. To be honest I still kept my personal diary back at home, sometimes it travels with me to where ever I go, in case I have the mood to write. Yes that book is precious and personal. It still is and it will always be. A symbol of my true love towards myself that I guard as best as I can. I still wrote on it whenever I couldn’t even hold my stories or feelings back. A book where I pour my pain or gratitude. An alternative friends when everything seems to choke, or I'm feeling to confused to detect what it is the "lump" in my heart telling me and there is no one, no place to go. A medium where I tell the truth. A medium that contains my confessions and my honesty. It is a book that only certain people in my life, the ones that I thought have the right to even touch the book will be able to read my days. Yes there is only one person in this world who has the key to my personal diary. One person only holds the key to my heart. Even my mother doesn’t have that kind of honor.

As the world evolves, here I start to write on my blog as well. It is a filtered version of my diary that contains my secret messages to certain someone, or to life or even to the readers. I doubt people could understand my blog though. Blog is actually made for people to tell general stories, information, jokes, stories where the readers could actually relate. Mine? Nope it is not something that is easy for people to relate to. For those who don’t know me, my blog is something they wouldn’t understand. Sometimes I even notice that people actually never really follow my stories. They couldn't even finish reading one. I don’t mind. My blog is the filtered version of my diary. My blog is my secret temple where people could come to know me and try to understand. If not I hoped at least certain people could.

My blog is my secrets, my feelings that I turn into stories, hid several hidden messages to secret someone. My blog contain my way of saying, my way of telling stories. My blog is me. My personalities. My blog is the messenger of my secrets. The things that I want that secret someone to know, to wonder, to question, to think, to know me, reveal my heart, a tool for me to share my days whenever that certain someone is not there around me. It is my way to hope I could reach or to share the tale to the star of my stories.

Actually I don’t have any purpose or exact point when I wrote this story but then I started to wonder, If my blog is my messenger to send my heart to certain someone, how do I actually know if he will ever understand or even receive the tiny bits of my heart right? How do I make sure my messages comes across safely and that he or she actually notices them?

hmmmff..ramble rumble mumble..

2010-02-21T15:57:00.005+01:00

People believe that the only person that you can depend on is yourself. I know it’s true. Recently I’m juggling a thousand balls. Each week the world starts to throw a new ball at me. Now all I know everything is cluttered. I lost my rhythm. I lost my skills to juggle these balls up and down circling in the air. I wish I could find a way to do this. I think I know how. Yes I know how. But where do I start?

I never ever wanted to disappoint people around me. They cheered me up for my own good. They did their best. But where is my best? Why do i feel my best is never enough? I used to manage to keep things in order. I used to manage to keep everyone happy. Be there for them to talk to, to hug, to hand them a tissue and give them a support. But every single time I do what I wanted to do I end up disappointing myself caused by disappointing others. My decision for myself is most of the time out point. If I were to throw a ball to my future, I would miss the target for most of it. Once I hit on point -for what I thought it was for my sake- it ends up as a wrong decision for me and affect the others. People might say then don’t give a f**k what people say. Just keep on doing it, you’ll get a hold of it. Then again I keep thinking I can’t and people could. but one thing that I always wonder, they might say they care about me, by the end they could put themselves first. They just know when to save themselves first. But why can I?

All I know I’m starting from zero. Well I don’t have as bad luck as many people in the world. I know, I could survive. I know I will. But what I envy them the most is they do have someone to be there for them on their good and on their bad, 110% always on their side. I wish I had them. They know they have one person who will always pray for them every single day. I know that we have to finish our businesses on our own. But god do I wish there is someone out there who would hold my hand in my good and in my bad.

Be grateful for the person sitting next to you through out your journey. Be grateful for the people who would always be there when you drop a tear on your face. Be grateful for the people that hold your hand and could see how fragile you are. Not so often people in the world have someone who would stand next to you without a single drop of a feeling to give up on you. Once you have someone who would stand still do what you got to do and be sure to do the same to the one person next to you. You just don’t know how it feels to stand on the battle field all by yourself over and over unless you can turn yourself into a fighter, a pure survivor in one day. I even believe every single fighter in the world wanted a place, a one person they could call home.

my dear story, blood and poisonous heart.

2010-02-12T23:44:00.002+01:00

I thought that I couldn’t fall deeper than before. The tunnel is getting deeper and deeper by the day. I thought I found my way out. Rising, crawling and searching my way out for a light of happiness. But somehow, this quick sand is dragging me deeper and deeper to the bottom. I wish I could breath. I wish I could find a way to hold on to maybe a black vine. My hand keeps on reaching hoping for something to come my way. Drag me to the surface something or someone. I need air I need light. This lethal poison is eating me day by day. Oh yes I wish I were strong. I wish god still hear my cries and prays. I wish someone will hold my hand and fight by my side. Help me I wanted to breath. I want to find my way out. I’m giving up. I’m cold. I’m surrendering my self to the darkness. What will come out of this life for me? As people started to walk. I’m crawling backwards. I’m giving up. Hold my hand please when you said you love me, dear thorn. Life is bitter as it is. I thought we are drinking the same poison, why am I sinking faster and you are reaching your way out. Why am I still here as you found your way out?

Dear blood you are bringing your own sun to warm you, instead of taking me with you. Dear poisonous blood, as my heart explodes will you be far away from here without remembering what I told you. Forgetting what I’m going through. Will you just walk away with an excuse that you did this for me. I can’t see which part of this is mine. Which part except hoping me to be strong for you, being there for you, holding your hand and protecting you from the evil faces are any advantages of mine except it is all my sacrifice for your arrogant life.

Am I looking at this flat surface as a maze? Or is it true my life is tangled? Am I making my life difficult? What should I actually feel? What should I actually do? All I see are puzzles, riddles, questions and pieces. I keep pouring my sacrifices, keeping me deeper and deeper in the room without oxygen. I cry below and I cry above. Which path should I follow? I’m getting lost in my own mistakes, sacrifices, decisions, illusions and heart. I am swallowed deeper and deeper in my own heart. I need you my poison. I need you to hold my hand. I need you to breath air and give me some sun light. Life is getting colder and colder each day. I need warmth. I need to be safe. I need a way out.

The curtain is closing. Everything is getting darker and darker my dear story. Everything seems out of my reach. One day my song will be sung and I’ll find my way to stand. I know I will. When I do, I’ll make sure you are with me, dear story. Coz you’ll remind me of my 20 darkest times. When I breathe light and when I touch the sun I will be thankful and grateful for the strength I have. Not because of you dear wound, but it’s all because I can.

Dear Winter

2010-01-19T12:02:00.002+01:00

I was in my room as I found a pile of letters. The letters were hidden deep inside a heart. It was pretty dark in there. As Icicle sang in my ears I read the first one and it was a letter to winter.

Dear winter,

I guess I miss your sight starting this year.

Here I am who used to be a light switch myself into dark. I’m still avoiding from opening a new book and holding yours instead. My dear winter I am still here in fall. Last summer burns still mark clearly on my skin. Hoping your white sight reach me. But I guess I blame my choice of country.

My days here are still showered with rain; scared to open my eyes hating the fact that I made you shut your door. My wings are broken, I was hoping I could flew there. But, the healer could not heal the wings that are broken on time. The clouds are getting thicker and thicker here. Loneliness is palpable I might say. But I know I have to stand on whatever fall throws me in with. So, here I am still sitting on the Saturn’s Ring watching the orbital ball where we used to live in.

The year asks me if I would agree to play the role of a stranger instead for later this month till who knows when I'm going to retire. I agree to learn starting now. So here I am still in a search for a drop of strength, a costume or mask to wear. I know it’s the only part that I am entitled of in a world that I am not a part of anymore. I believe it is the only way I could be close to you.

The blue diamond that you gave me still accompanying me through my days. I’m still hoping on the blue diamond to blow away the dark clouds. Because there is a scar I can’t cure and i'm hoping the clouds would at least cover it. I am avoiding my blood spoiling your new pages you know.

Your colored white pages.

Your beautiful new book.

I will be coming later in the end of the season I think. I'm hoping my blood wont spoil your book by then.

But, I am doing just fine. I want to apologize for my thunder, if you feel it's bothering you, just walk on and ignore me as you have done in this new book that you have started.

This is the season to start a clean slate I heard. People around believe on a new hope and I believe you have started yours.

Luna told me you have turned the other part of the world white. Your new life has begun indeed. You promise the silver dressed girl to start in the fourth beginning of this year. Yes, Venus whisper to me on a rainy Thursday that there is a silver flake girl here that will turn into an angel soon. She will be your new butterfly in spring as I predict. She is healing your wound little by little I feel. Yes, She is preparing to bloom in your spring indeed. Tell the Butterfly I won’t be bothering her part. She doesn’t have to worry. I am aware of my place. I am aware of my place on the other side of your door. I read the sign closed clearly. But I will always be here if you need me. I will watch your season change in silent. Don’t you worry I will be waiting for the blue seed to dry and so that your new church bell could ring. I will watch in silent as the white doves flies free in the end of your new book and I’ll congratulate you with a smile by then, I hope.

I heard she is a rose in a lily field. She could show you the warm of winter. I know you won’t fade into the mist. She will run like a fire dust a pure shed of lightning to save you. Her laughter is a pure song that you can sing. I wish you well dear winter. I will be here watching from a far as I promise, as you change from a winter to spring and bloom in colorful summer where the scar will fade as you have found your light.

With this letter I hope the new sun suites you well and for the beautiful stardust to come sooner than she had promised. She will repair your life with white hope I see. Trust me I won’t come into your way coz I will be here surrendering my self to time to grow up and face the dark fall hoping my clean slate to come somewhere next winter. Remember that I am here; I will always be on the other side of the door if you need me.

With love,

Ribbons undone.

naked.. force to undress..

2009-04-27T01:19:00.012+02:00

This weekend was unique, a particular weekend that I haven’t experienced for quite a long time now. I had some of my space. I always believe people in need of their own space once and a while without a reason in particular. People are in need of a room to breath. But sometimes society demands differently. Sometimes it is just a taboo thing to have your own territory. Somehow it is demand for everything to have a concrete reason instead of believing it is just a will we need to fulfill. Do we always need a reason? why everything has to have a story?

Sometimes without us noticing, we are actually walking naked or using too many layers of stories. Either we are demand to take off all those stories by people around us -coz it is one of the rules to be part of a society we live in- or either we know that particular stories are unusual things to share that we have to use it as whole new layers on top of our skin. I thought the choices in life supposed to be ours alone but, by the end of the day we all did what the society demands unconsciously. There is always something right and wrong, that is what they say and they are the one to judge.

Then I started to wonder do we all have to live life blindfolded and naked coz people were always in the mood to know or should we walk with so many layers and knowing that we are actually not brave enough to fight and argue with the people who are actually walking in our turf? is there anyway we could have our own rules instead of trying to follow the society just to avoid judgement?

A lost Zebra in a Herd

2008-09-10T00:19:00.000+02:00

One of the things that you have to do in life is to adapt. You come in to a new school you adapt, new office you adapt, new house, meet new people and so on and so forth. However, sometimes you just feel things don’t work. If things just don’t work as YOU plan or hope or feel should you just give up or keep on trying to adapt until you fit for some of it?

For me one of the though thing in adapting issue form is to check list couldn't adapt in my new home. It felt weird sometimes. You live in a house. You live there let’s say with your friends, 5 or maybe 2 of your friends. You get a long in live. You get a long pretty well. But when you live together in a house you see more of them. You knew them more than you used too. You observed their habits. You tried to learn their likes, their dislikes. You observe more how they dress, how they react, how they tend to answer your thoughts and so on. But, there are times when things seem not clicking. Then I started to wonder, should we just give up? Or just suck it all in? Or just hope for the best that things will work out someday?

For me home have to be a home. By the meaning home is that you feel comfortable and you can't wait to come in to the place you called home when you are outside. Anywhere it is, when you have your own area and you live in it has to feel like home. In one way you want to act like yourself in your own house, do the things that you just enjoy at a place you called home.

I know it sounds selfish, I live with others who probably have their own problems with this home not being a home for them as well. But somehow I could see them act like they do love to be in the house. They gave the relieve look as they came through our front door. Why could they manage and I just could not?

It seems my friends manage to do what they like to do in the house. I see them managing to find what they love in the house. Somehow for me, I find it hard to find my “comfort zone”. I felt guilty sometimes to stay in my room the whole day. I felt guilty when I didn’t have a chance to clean the house or even cook before my roommates come. Then I ask myself, is it me?

Sometimes I feel like a drop of oil in a bottle of water. I just don’t mix, the conversation and all seems to be clashing and collapsing all over the place. If I could just see my home as a bowl of salad, me and my friends will be a great mix just need to add salt and pepper we will live happily ever after (supposedly). But for me, i see it as if we are in a relationship and we are living together we will be separating things by now. But then again I realize, it’s not about my friends whom I living with. It’s me and myself trying to feel comfortable.

Now I see my self as a person who can’t live in a group in the same time I can’t be out of the group. If I live in a herd of zebras I prefer to be in the back line instead of in the middle of the herd or not even in the front-line to lead. I will love to have the companion, in the same time I don’t want to be followed or observed from the back. I prefer I am the one who observing without being bothered that someone is following or will be complaining. But, if I ever will be a lost zebra I don’t think I’ll manage for it.

I ask my self what do I want? is it that difficult to adapt? Or am I seeing things far too complicated? How do I make home a sweet home?

Dark Blank Canvas

2008-08-08T19:06:00.000+02:00

I am not a person who could easily adapt. I am not a person who could easily feel comfortable. I am not a person who is competitive. I am a person who used into hiding. I am not a brave person. I am neither intelligent nor talented. I am not an extrovert. I am neither independent nor could live in a group. I am a blank dark canvas.

My words are as complicated as a riddle. My thoughts are as difficult as a puzzle. I hope that complicated thing could give me at least another dark color on me, but yet I still look at the mirror as a blank dark canvas. I started to wonder, how to put at least one color at such a dark canvas. I would put white on me, as there is no other color in the world could be used. But then again white is not a color. It is another blank thing to cover my dark color. I ask my self yet again, could I start to wear a white mask just to put color on me? No, I don’t want to wear a blank mask on me.I am searching a real color to be painted on me. Then again, I am blank as it is. I am complicated as it is.

People always say that our life is not as complicated as it is. That there are many people’s life more complicated than ours. But for me those terms just don’t help. I know it should have. Sometimes that kind of force of term made my color faded. Sometimes we need another kind of support. Sometimes we need someone else's understanding just to find a new color in life.

I love my life in one way, but somehow the other part is just not as beautiful as you expect. Yes life is never that perfect, but don’t you just ever ask how can you reach at least close to perfect?

do you have the respect?

2008-07-04T20:52:00.000+02:00

You went to a restaurant. A servant comes to you and ask you nicely what would you like to order. You give your order and all. Your food came after half hour waiting and you started to complain. You even gave the stare to the servant that is delivering your orders. They apologize for the late coming. but then again you complain and you avoid for coming back to the restaurant and decided not to give them the extra tips. Do you think that is a wise thing to do?

I am sorry after i think and think about it i have to say that is a bad thing to do. do you think that being a chef and a waiter is easy? do you think that they do it on purpose? Do you think that because you have the money and you pay for the food you can act like that? it is not like they throw the food on top of the table.

what is the different with you buying all the ingredients and you waited for your friend to cook from scratch and it needs 2 hours to cook. are you gonna give them the stare too? it is the food that you pay and someone else cooks for you and serve it for you so what is the difference? are you gonna complain too? just because the waiter or chef is not your friend are you gonna treat them as they are not human beings that tried to make you happy?

Sometimes being a nice person is not enough. Sometimes being a patient person is not enough. Sometimes being a smart person is not enough. Sometimes being a rich person is not enough.

Life. Being patient is not enough when there is no one that supports your back as you are supporting people around you. Being nice is not enough when there is no one that appreciates such nice things you have done for them. Being smart is not enough when people don’t appreciate what you have invented, nor the information you gave others. Being smart is not enough when people ask you and you act like you knew everything and you see people, as they are so stupid and low cause they just don’t know what you know. Being a rich person is not enough when you cannot spend your money for the people who needs it and for those people actually support you and you see them for granted. Most people are blind for what other people have done for them, especially those that are not your family members. Sometimes we see things that are far than the ones that are right in front of your nose.

Are you those people? Do you feel like you are forgetting some people in your life that is being nice to you and you treat them for granted? Do you feel like you are one of those success people, smart and all and you see other people that is close to you for granted?

THE FIRST LADY

2008-05-08T00:45:00.000+02:00

Almost a month ago my friend was in an interview, when one of the interviewers asked her if you would have a dinner later today in a fancy restaurant, whom would you like to have dinner with?

Who will be your answer? Whose name you would say? Who will be the first person cross your mind?

There are many question in the world that have to do with who/whom that you think or feel give effects to your life.

Another example of questions; If you would ask me who do you want to be or even the question who you adore the most, I will answer in the matter of second, MY MOM.

My mom may not be a sexy actress, or any famous people that change or have an effect to the world and the human being that live in it.

But, she did raise two of the world citizen that will grow and turn to be someone. There is no trophies back at home that stated she is the best mom in the world that made a change. But, she is the best mom and made changes in my world.

She is the one I can depend on anytime in my life for more than 20 years of my life, even I am million miles away from her. She is the lady who made my world spins when it stops.

She listen and help me solve my problems, she made arguments that slaps your face, which when you heard it you just break down and cry and made you realize that life is not just that. She is the lady that support me that teach me that you don’t have to change the world by doing something big, you can even change anything with something simple, small or even a smile. She is the lady that made jokes and make you smile when you frown. Everyone is proud and loves his or her mother that is for sure.

But, if you ask me again:

Who do I want to be, who do I love the most and who I adore the most? My answer is I want to be my mother; I love and adore her the most. She may not be the first lady in any country, but she is the first lady in my heart.

Journey from 3 to 2..

2008-04-02T02:20:00.000+02:00

This story is about 3 girls who grew up together. They were cousins, they were sisters, and they were best friends. Those three girls are Riana Yulianti, Nina A. Anissa and Amanta Shakina. They were really close. As cousins they were not that different in age. Riana the oldest among the 3 was born in 1983 as for Nina and Amanta they were born in 1984. They always go everywhere together every time they could; they share stories, games, gossip, love, hug and tears with each other. Even the whole family was aware of their closeness and it was proved by their grandmother always made them 3 same dresses when they were kids.

Riana Yulianti, She love cats. She lives not far from Amanta house. She was a strong girl, she was wise, and she was brave. She was caring, she was fun, and she was funny. She had many colors in life and she shares those colors of her to everyone’s that are around her, close to her.

Nina, she love to play softball and she is good at it. She grew up in Jakarta and then she move to Bandung when she got into college. She is the tomboy and sporty when they were young. She is the independent one. She is the one that is patient. She loves to draw, she is the creative one. She is the sweet one, she is the one that gave comfort.

The youngest one was Amanta and that is me.

This short story is about us, where our life of sisterhood dramatically change. This is the story where 3 could change into 2.

As we grew older, we started to build our own lives. But somehow, we always tried to spare a day or two or anytime we could, just to share what we had done, what we had experience. Stories about clothes, cartoons and games turns to young girls gossip about friends and boys.

One night when I was in High school, the phone at my house started to rang. A dark cloud filled my night as my aunt on the other side of the line told me that my cousin, Riana had an accident and she was laying unconscious in the hospital. Time passes by and she was ok. She went home and tried to live her life as normal as she could. Somehow her body turns weak. She got easily ill most of her times. Until almost a year ago my mom told me that she was laying again unconscious in the hospital. I believed she is a strong girl, which hopes she will be Ok and she was.

I went back to Indonesia in November 2007 for 2 weeks. The 3 of us were reunited for a short time; It was one lovely evening on 17^th of November 2007. It was fun. We met again after 1 whole year living in different continents and usually shared our stories through e-mails. By that night it was face to face, it was lovely. Never thought that night was the last night we laugh with each other.

I had to leave for Holland again after those 2 short weeks. Times flies, we haven’t spoken with each other since that November night. It was cold January. The time showed 4 A.M in Holland when I was half asleep and my cell phone started to ring. As I said hello, it was my mother on the other side of the line. It was a blackout, it was a pause and it was an unbelievable sentence as I heard my mom share me words by words, my dear Riana, my dear sister has passed away.

My tears started to fall as I was pulling my self out of the shock and tried to ask my mom again and again for what she had said was true. My mom was assuring me again and again with patient leading me to face the reality. As I hung up the phone, all I can do was cry. I felt crushed and lonely. Suddenly it felt like oxygen was a rare thing. I feel sad that I was not there beside her, holding her hands and tell her that everything will be fine as she was fighting for her life. Sadly I was not there beside her as she left. Sadly I was not there with my family and sadly I was not there to see her for one last time. She had left.

My mind started to fly far to the past. The whole family trips, the laughter, the stories, the pranks, The fight, the arguments, the jokes, the games, the love, the tears, the hug, the memories and all the sisterhood treasure that we have.

It had been months since she passed away. It had been months since I want to write this story in words. But I never had the strength to type this story; I never have the strength to hold my tears when I see our pictures together. The sadness still chocked me. But it couldn't be ignored, it has to be faced. She was young and she is not around. Apparently age couldn't be hold as a guarantee in live. I never could believe that someone close to me could leave the earth in such a young age. I always believe that god will give me many chances to be with my cousins, brothers and sisters. But apparently it is something I should face. It is one from all of my greatest fear.

Until now, sometimes I still couldn't believe that 3 for 23 years all of the sudden turned into 2. But, sometimes you have to learn to let go for we know and hope that this is for the best.

Goodbye our beloved sister, you will always be love and miss. For we will always pray that you have the best place in heaven.

Back For My Luggage

2007-12-09T03:05:00.000+01:00

Did you ever wonder how much you could remember from the past? Did you ever analyze how you travel from the past, wondering in the present and how will you arrive to the future? How detail did you remember from the past? Even if you keep track and create every milestones of your life in your diary there’s no guarantee that every minute, every second of your life is listed. Yeah I did wonder about it. Who I am now, who I use to be, how I use to think, how I use to see certain issues and what would I decide by that time, will I decide the same thing like today. Where would I be and who I will be in the future? Two days ago I stared at the sky. We were enjoying warm drinks by that time, reducing the cold we have brought in to the room. I was with my friends in the Eerste café at central station, Amsterdam. That day was the day when we signed the contract for our future temporary home. Yeah, we got it baby!.. Well anyways, we got into the café and it was raining outside. Shower rain. Heavy shower. The sky turns dark. If I’m not mistaken, it was only 4.30 P.M. I can’t blame the sky for the season decided to change. I guess it was time for the change. I welcome winter with smile and make sure that I didn’t frown. Then after quite some times, the waiters were chatting next to us. One of them point at the window right next to me and the other one instantly stared. As he stared I decided to follow. As I see far outside, there was ray of light through the sky curtain of gray clouds. The beautiful sunset ray found its way to shine this part of the earth. I didn’t notice when did the rain stops pouring. But still, the sun seems to found its way to say goodnight, which signing its task for that day was done. Somehow it hurts to see the sun go, even though I know I’ll meet the sun again. Occupied by the sun, not realizing that a plane passing by. The minute I saw the plane, my imagination went with it. I remember “my coffee”, and it reminds me of his dad. Funny how it seems, but it’s entirely true. As the plane flew through the dark clouds, I said to my friends, “ I bet that plane is having a turbulence coz it is flying through thick, dark clouds” and afterwards I said to myself, in a minute the rain will fall again. The dark clouds are here in this part of the earth. I know when I was a kid, I did thought that thunder is a sign that god is angry. I tried to remember of my childhood, did I ever think that rain were tears of the sky, coz maybe we made them sad. But that day I did fell sad. It seems the sky was reflecting what I felt at that time. As I followed the plane with my eyes, seems it flew to the end of the world, in life journey I wonder could we fly back to the past? Of course no will be the answer. But still, life is a journey. We pack stuffs to bring with us. Some we left it at home, some new thing we bring to the next destination. That’s just the way on how you prepare your trip. I know I keep repeating that. I remember my last journey. Departure Indonesia. Arrival Holland. I’ve been back in Holland for 2 weeks now. However, 2 week ago as my trip continued on a plane, as my life continued as well. 16 hours journey on the plane was right in front of me, I’m starting my life journey in the plane. The life in the plane was bitter sweet, in its own ways. People greet each other as they notice they came from the same country. I could hear clearly “The Dutch men” greet and share their “wine” of experience to one another, the bitter the sweet. The “1st stewardess” you meet greets you. The “2nd stewardess” helps you to your seat and store your “luggage” in the upper compartment. She just helped you to restore it for the short life journey in the plane. The “3rd stewardess” makes sure that you are comfortable, answer to your questions, and make sure you are safe and prepared. The next “the head of stewardess” greets you, she thought you what you need to know in the journey. From the knowledge you need, informing you, guiding you, explaining to you, until taking care you. The next thing you know, you saw the sign. You learn. You have to put your seat belts on and after a while the plane started to move. The “captain” checked the flaps, checked the brake, the engine and so on. The captain introduces him self, he explains to you, he informs you, he make sure and checked. He controls the journey. The next thing you know he said it’s time to leave. And we are off. As we left the runway, my heart ache, it seems I left my “luggage” back at home. I couldn’t go back and bring it with me. Not for now, not for quite sometime. I just stare as the city fades away behind the clouds. Turbulence. That’s what I met. But after that it was a clear blue sky, steady flight. I throw my sight as far as I can see. Just clear blue sky. I see the soft, wavy clouds beneath me. It’s white like I used to draw it looks comfortable and warm. I wonder how something seems so soft could cause so much turbulence. It gave the rumbles. Time passed by I saw the sunset in front of my eyes. The sun is saying goodbye. I know I’ll see it again. But somehow I am not sure that the moon and the stars will shine on me that night cause I know I left my “luggage”. I know it is filled with my precious things. My heart felt empty without it and my heart felt heavy at the same time. I felt sad. My “luggage”. My mom and my brother. I missed them. Yes, they are the luggage I can’t bring. I told “my coffee”. He said I’d be ok. I ask my self, would something change from the” luggage”? Will everything be the same when I return? I know there have been many changes. I know there’s a possibility for it. Even the sunny day change to a dark night. “My coffee” holds my hand and I was floating. I float as the plane flew. I close the shades of my plane window, I felt safe. Hours passed by. I open the shades of my plane window. I throw my sight as far as I can see. It was dark out, but there are some things that sparkled. It’s not the rain. It was the stars. It was glittering on the dark sky. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I saw that many stars in the sky. I couldn’t remember how beautiful a night sky could be. Probably that is one of the missing memories. Anyways, the stars were uncountable. It was beautiful. Apparently stars did shine on me that night but then, turbulence greets me afterwards, few more for the rest of the journey. Some just “greets” for a while and some did “stay for a chat”. It really did stay for a while. I try not to be bothered and enjoy the rest of the journey. Once and a while I hold “my coffee” for comfort, try not to bother his rest. It was the time to land. Return to the ground. I haven’ t miss the ground yet. But the journey has to end. Well the “captain” said so. The stars left, but somehow the sun hasn’t come. But I don’t mind, I know I’ll meet the sun again. After I landed, a new journey starts on its own. No “stewardess” or “captains”. But, I met my friends, the “luggage” that I left in Holland. It was sweet of them to come. I now they’ll leave sometime after. But, then again I know I’ll meet them again. I drag my luggage with me and try not to cry for missing the “luggage” back home. That was my sky journey. That was part of my life. I know it is over, for now. But I know I’ll be return way up there again someday. I know some pieces of my past is missing, but it’s ok I kept the precious ones in mind. I’ll get the rest when I come back. I’m living in this moment. I’m living in my seconds. Don’t worry I already plan my next destination. Wish me luck for it. As I stroll with my luggage in one hand, holding “my coffee” in the other, and I strolled my way to my flat. Back for my “luggage” here in Holland and try to find some more new “luggage” for me to keep.

cut of the X tag..could we?

2007-03-29T03:11:00.000+02:00

I don’t want to be cynical in life but sometimes you just can’t help it. Anyways, today is kinda depressing. The weather is actually great outside. The sun is shinning and totally not a fake sun like in the wintertime. Anyways, some say that good day make a good mood. Apparently not for my last 2 fabulous weather days. I was being negative instead. My mood is kinda down. 2 bright warm days turns out to be a disaster.

While I feel bothered by the phrase I mention above (that I was hoping for good days), apparently it turned out the other way around. I started to think about “the virus” in a relationship. Don’t ask how did I get there. Anyways. Relationship is like a baby. It need to be pampered, it need to be taken care of. But it doesn’t mean it couldn’t be ill, It couldn’t be in pain once and a while, it doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be anything that will interfere. Yeah, the virus. One of the viruses in a relationship is the X. What do you do with an X?

I believe there are two kinds of X in the world of relationship, the X you make peace with and the X you make war with. The X you made peace with is the X that you could be friends with, either he/she is your X or your partner X. But then there are the bothering X the ones that made you or your partner insecure with their present.

Me personally, I try to be friends with X. Hey it couldn’t be deny that those guys did fill my days in their own periods of time (and my boyfriends Ex.’s did fill his days). The closer we are as friends with an X the better. By that phrase I mean I try to keep as friends and hope we could be good friends. We do know each other, it’s just more than a friend relationship doesn’t work, right? Our X and us just not the shoes that fits. Face it we couldn’t force a relationship that doesn’t work. That’s why we choose to break up and we should be friends.

Why is it so hard to get along with an X?

There should be a reason that we couldn’t get along with an X. The bothering X. The X that create an insecure vibe to the new comers. Couldn’t be denied that there is some annoying X, where they use their ticket as a friend in a wrong way. Well what can I say if feelings are still involve it could be bad for an X. Break up is hard. So what can we try to do? Trust me it’s a hard thing to do. It needs time and process. Be friends with an X and an X to be friends with the new girl/boy. Then I started to wonder does everybody get along with the X?

Well some of us do get along. But, there still some of us that don’t. As a grown up, we do have to learn to act and think like one. All I know is as a girlfriend of a man I don’t want to have a fight with an X and as an X I don’t want to be tag as an X friend instead by the end of the day. All of that is just a theory of course. Well it worked with me so far in practice even though it is hard to gain trust Even though I tried to make peace as a friend or friends with an X, sometime miss understanding do take place. With the ups and downs in trying to be a friend with an X, I still wonder, could we really make peace with an X?

It will depend of what kind of X we made us to be by the end of the day. As I said I am an X myself. But as an X I do try to open my eyes and see. If I was the girl next to that guy what I don’t want an X to do? We as an X do have a right to be acknowledged as a friend. There are no rights to erase an X that try to be friends. But of course we as an X should have an attitude with boundaries (remember don’t cross the line). As an X to my X-boyfriends, I just try to put a mirror in front of me and try not to be a threat to my X-boyfriends relationship with the new girl. Basically if we act not threatening I don’t think any one will feel threatened with our present. So to the X out there, do act with boundaries, act like real friends should do. It doesn’t mean if you are an X you have an extra rights from friends limit and turn yourself into foe. Nothing is impossible if we try to do something right. Try to cut the X tag? Could you?

Heart in Ayam Kecap

2007-03-28T03:11:00.001+02:00

“My coffee” and his weird craving. He craved for my own recipe of what we called “Ayam Kecap”. I am not a good chef. I use the real name of the cuisine and I will make it in my own ways. What did I actually do? I just made it by predicting what ingredients it should be in it and hope it taste good. Surprisingly, My coffee loves it. Even worst, there was always time when there are guests staying at my place. But, again I haven’t done any grocery shopping. So what I do is, I open my fridge; see what I have in stock. Figure something out and create something that I guess my guests could enjoy (at least I hope they did..hi hi). Bottom line, I create foods without names. If you ask me again what’s in it, I will answer I do not know all I know it wont kill you. But, I do love cooking even though I never follow any recipe. I love to stay in the kitchen and just mix something (sometimes burn something). I didn’t say I am a pro, did I.

Once I live with my friends; Farrah and Teri. One night, Farrah wanted to cook for us dinner. She only fried the frozen chicken burger and we plan to eat it with rice. She did burn the chicken, but we had a laugh. We appreciate her heart with it and still have that moment as a giggle for once and a while until now. I started to wonder, so what made that night fun? What made the food still taste good even though it was burned kinda bad?

Maybe the love of friendship that we shared while we enjoy that food made the food taste more delicious and made us miss the moment even more. Maybe the heart that my friend give unconsciously while she made it, made us appreciate the meal we had that night. I guess that’s where good memories come from.

Anyways talking about making something with heart, I believe that everything you make will be wonderful if you give your love or I should say a little bit of heart in it. For example, if you have an assignment to draw something. You hate drawing. But then again, you have to. If you made the drawing with a little bit of heart, automatically you will spend more time on it. Of course the people who made with a will to do it, will spent more time in their job as well. But, what I’m trying to say is if you made it with heart people will see the result differently. They will feel your passion in it and that will make them appreciate your creation even more. Not just a creation from a hard worker. Not just a drawing that was made just because you have to. If you did something with love, I guess everybody will appreciate it. What is my real point you may ask?

My point is, we need to have the passion to do things. We need the will and sincere feelings in process. We need a little bit of heart as part of it. Love could be transferred through anything. It could be sent through food, through eye contact, through art, through every single thing. No wonder everyone love their mothers home baked cookies. Maybe we consume the love that it was given as the food was created. Like I always said love goes two ways, if people receive your love, believe me it will return to you in many ways, sooner or later. Nothing to loose in trying and put a little heart in everything. By the end of the day, when you know someone love what you made then you know you receive some of the love you sent out. There is enough amount of love in the world. You wouldn’t ran out of it if you share it in life. So, as a closure I’ll say, “Ayam Kecap, anyone?”

What will you do in your last minute?

2007-02-09T03:08:00.000+01:00

My friend forced me to watch a movie called “if Only”. Anyways, that movie made me miss “my coffee” even more. It made me realize even more, how lucky I am. That movie made me realize how caring for someone could be so beautiful. It is funny how everybody starts his or her care for his or her special someone. Maybe, he/she is someone that you accidentally bump in your life where faith bring you two in one point to be one. But, there should be something about him/her that attracts you. Afterwards, you care for them more than you realize. After all those feelings rushing in, the weird part is you are willing to do crazy things for them. But then I started to wonder in that roller coaster, how long it would last? How much are you willing for that feeling to last? I guess it depends on how much you appreciate the feeling that you both have. Then I started to wonder, how much you could appreciate what you have?

In that movie it shows that the guy had to went through such a bad tragedy to realized how much he love his girl. He got to face a tragedy to feel how much he didn’t treat his girl right, where actually the girl was always there for him just to make everything better. After the tragedy he knows how much he don’t want to loose her. He regret for not showing how much he needed her. Anyways, after that movie I know that there is one point where you just regretted for not showing enough of your love. But, do you need “regret” to show love? How can we realize “love” before “regret” comes?

Imagine when it snows in wintertime. You see how beautiful the town could be all cover in white. But when the snow disappears you just regret why you didn’t take at least one picture of it. You remembered that you were too lazy to go out and face the cold in that time. You thought that it would last at least for another day. You did hope that you might be able to see it the next morning when you opened your bedroom curtains. My point is that we imagine, what will we feel if we loose our special someone. What will we do in our last 1-minute (with someone that you really care) just to let them know how much they meant for us?

Love is pure. Sometimes you just don’t realize that it’s there. For example, you never really realize how much your parent loves you. It’s too pure that you just don’t really realize it. You keep arguing with them every time you got a chance. If you just once acknowledge and try to be more sensitive that all they did was based on the love for you. As I say, sometime you may forget or didn’t realize that is actually there on every step of your life. It’s there and makes you grow. It’s just an example why love is so pure. It’s like the air that surrounded us. We need it to survive. But sometime, we just don’t remember that it’s there. Feel it, what will make love more colorful and obvious in your own way.

I am advising you to show your love as much as you can. Push regrets away before it comes. You’ll never know what destiny may deliver you to. Tell the one that you love every time you got a chance. Forget about ego, forget about self-esteem, and forget about your pride. Just let them know, as it was your last minute with them. Show them that you care. Show them how much they mean to you. It’s about making a good memory, share times whether you are near or far. Give comfort to one and another. Make each other feel secure that everything will be fine. Bottom line make the most of it. Like it’s your last second with them. Then you’ll know that you had made the most of it. Then you know you had passed your day perfectly. Just make sure you did it right hope you won't wish you could turn back time. It’s never enough time to show love. But, you know you did the best and right for it.

I dedicate this blog to my coffee. Thank you for making my days beautiful. Thank you for holding me so tight when I think I’m about to fall. Thank you for supporting me on each difficult things in my each and everyday. You have stand by my side while I walk through my life long enough than we realize. You give me comfort. You give me the fairytale that I wish for. Thank you for being mine.

Fat Attack!

2007-02-08T03:06:00.000+01:00

As I looked at the mirror today, I think I gain more weight. Ha ha, I realize I used to panic on this kind of thing. I blame it to the season. Yeah winter weight, it is so annoying when winter comes. You just can’t stop eating. You crave for this and that. You went to the supermarket and you end up adding cookies, chocolate and chips in your shopping trolley, instead of following your grocery list. I know! Forbidden foods in girl’s agenda.

We panic when we gain weight. Girls are afraid they will turn to unattractive girls. Coz we have the perspective that guys love girls who looks beautiful, attractive, skinny and sexy. But, do you really know what is in the mind of your guy?

I ask my boyfriend once what he finds attractive from me. He answer, he loves my fingers. He finds them sexy. He love my hair, He likes the way I looked at him and how I smile. He loves how it feels when he hugs me. He never thinks that my belly is too chubby. I started to think why he didn’t think I was too chubby in the belly? My friend told me, guys sometimes like a little bit fat. They like something they could hold. They don’t want to hug a skeleton.

Did you ever knew that they find it adorable that you care about the way you look but it doesn’t mean that they demand you to change? They feel disturbed when you got all paranoid about how you look.

I wish that all girls could see the meaning of "guys likes beautiful girls" from a different perspective. You don't have to look like supermodel to be beautiful. let's categorize them as goddess instead. But, What is beautiful? It is how you dress and how your personalities are. How you look healthy and glow. It is how your eyes glare. What is attractive? It is how you smile and how you laugh. How you see life and how you think. How you walk and talk. How you pampered your self not how you torture yourself. It is how comfortable you are about yourself.

I read an article the other day. There is a statistic that shows how many girls try to do a strict diet and force them self to the gym just to lose weight. They cut down their foods and try to eat small portions or even once a day. They avoid eating deserts or sweets. But, then I started to wonder why do girls went all those things just to be skinny? Do you feel afraid that you will be breaking up with your guy because how you look?

Believe me sometime I get paranoid about that as well. Once, I ask my boyfriend does my thigh looks big. He said it would be better if it were little smaller and tight. I laugh; I said thanks and I’ll try to make it smaller, which I don’t know how. But then I said to him, he also has to try living with these ones as well. I find it adorable how he tries to let me know and be honest. But, I could see how uncomfortable he is for being honest to me. It doesn't mean that we are going to break up because of it. Do you know why I did that? I just want to know what does he thinks about me physically.

I know every guy have different opinions and taste if it comes to girls. Maybe some guys are pretty demanding. What girls need to do is to communicate on what your guy thinks on how you look. Try to make a giggle out of it. As long as you try to take care of yourself and hopefully they will appreciate it. By the end of the day if you feel comfortable and take a good care on how you look, your guy will feel the same. If they can't tolerate. Don't even bother to stay with a guy who doesn't appreciate for who you are. You did try to take care of yourself anyways.

Hey! we are humans’ nobodies perfect. We are beautiful as god made us. Just take care our self, but don’t over do it. Spoil and pampered our self, but do control it for your own health.

What’s wrong with a little fat if it makes you healthily beautiful?

Not About The Best but The Right!

2007-01-17T03:03:00.000+01:00

I read a phrase; you have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love someone else. By loving your own self you will search for someone who could treat you just right coz you know who you are and you know how you want to be treated, you just know what you need. Do you agree?

The greatest loves for me are; the love of god to us, the love between you and the people you called family, and there is two other loves that matters for me: 1. is the love that you have for yourself 2. is the love that you get from someone else, your someone special.

But did I learn to love myself before I meet my Mr. Right? I am not that sure.

You may ask your self these questions below: Who is my “someone special”? When will I meet him/her? I ask those questions to myself as well. I was searching for the best guy. Then I realize that I will meet a guy and I will search in the market again for someone that is better. The search for “the best guy” will take forever. I learn to know myself. Afterwards I know, I want the right guy and not the best. I want a guy that "click" with me not just the best in the market. The search for the right one is a surprise. The right man is the man who could flip you, just in a blink of an eye. Do Mr./Mrs. Right really exist?

My coffee and I were In a relationship long time ago. It was on our junior high time. We broke up. But then we turned out to be one of close friends for one another. Inside our close friend relationship, we never thought that a deeper love was hidden and growing. After the first break up and knowing each other more as close friends, we realize we were blind. We didn’t realize that we are two different piece of puzzle. We are two pieces that fits. Surprisingly, we have been in 1 same box for so long.

I wish what’s best for me. If he is the best one for me, then let it be. If it’s not then let me be strong to walk and move on. And all I do after is to keep on wishing, trying, patient and walk slow as I try to read my signs, as I learn to be aware of my instinct. I believe everything has their own times and reasons. 2007 begin, we bind our relationship again. And this time we hope and try to keep it for forever.

He is the man that could talk to me in the right way. He could calm me in my worst days. He is a gentleman. You might say in the beginning of a relationship you could only see the beautiful part of it. After a while the flaws will come to the surface. Well that’s true. I said that in one of my previous blogs as well. You may ask, then what is so special about this one?

It is a pleasure to look at him while he is sharing all his passion. He have a different glare in his eyes when he is talking about photography, he have a different glare when he is playing the guitar, he have a different glare when he is talking about planes and he have different glare when he talks about dream and life. He has a special glare when he looks deep into my eyes. If you are I, you will feel the warmth. You just can feel the care. You can see that he cuts deep into you. He makes me stumble when he looks at my eyes. It just shakes me to the core and made me all weak.

He is a man that I adore. He have the will, he have a vision. He is the guy that sees his future and tries to map his next step as he walk through life. He is an open minded man. It’s just beautiful how he can send messages through his eyes. It’s always fun when we communicate with our eyes. He is my gentle and fun guy. Well anyways, yesterday I wrote a blog about how my relationship with “my coffee”. Today I’m introducing to you “my coffee”. I’m sharing with you the ingredients inside him.

He love airplanes, he love photography and he love movies. He love “Calvin and Hobbes”, he love guitar and he love the band called “The Cake”and "Weezer". He likes to read. He love tequila, he is cute when his drunk. He loves to drink coffee when he wake up. He love his family. He love his pets, and he went “nuts” when he sees dogs and cats. He loves the color green, and Intermilan is his soccer team. He has a special way to stand when he brushes his teeth (I found this one so cute). He likes rum raisin ice cream. He is not that much of a fan for tuna. But actually he’s flexible when it comes to food. He turns silent when his hungry (he looks so funny). He is not a fan of warm weather. He prefer the weather when it’s cold or chilly. He keeps his feet out of the blanket while he sleeps even it’s a cold night. He love to help me in the kitchen when he is around.

He find it hard to say “no”. He is a "silent" guy if you meet him for the first time. He will silently learn about you as you talk. He has a special way when he looks at people. He is sensitive and thoughtful. He is patient and understanding. He is not that open till he trusted you. You got to find a right way just to approach and made him to say what is/are on his mind. he is a great listener and a problem solver. He know how to send his opinion. He is wise and charming. he has taste and he has his own style. He has his own scent and sweet lovely smile. He is smart and has a high curiosity. I love to ask questions and discuss complicated things with him. By end of the day we share more than we hope for. We could discuss from politics to religion, from life happiness to problems, from jokes to serious things. We could discuss about dreams to many things. We could go on and on and keep exchanging opinion. We could go on for the whole day. He could comfort me even I’m miles away, he could make me smile even if he is in the other country. There are still many things about him I couldn’t list it all. He is everything. And the most important thing is what he are is not so different as I am. It's weird but it's true.

Well I don’t mind how you think. Just wanted to share why the “colorful glare coffee” (I have been waiting for so long) is so special. It’s just lovely when you are in a relationship that you know he/she love you as you are. By the end, the right one will turn into the best eventually.

After I write so many, I started to wonder, Do we really need to learn to love ourself to find someone that is right? Will we be introduce to the word LOVE after you have learned to love yourself?

My Long Distance Coffee..

2007-01-16T03:02:00.000+01:00

When I woke up today I had this weird thought and it shocked me. I am in a relationship with someone that I patiently wait to come. Yes everybody! I am proudly to announce that I am leaving the store and enjoying my coffee, for I am done waiting. I finish my 1st journey book and I’m starting a new one. I got what I want. My coffee! He is my special someone that I will enjoy as I strut proudly back in the journey of life. He is my sweet company. He is the mixture of every single thing. Not so sweet, not so bitter, not so creamy and not so hot neither cold. He is the mixture of right or I should say Mr. Right. He could make me laugh, he could make me cry, and he could say the right things when things went wrong.

I started to realize another thing; we start this relationship by having a long distance relationship. We are not too far from each other. Even in the world map, the countries we are living in are next to each other. But, it couldn’t be denied that we are in different countries. It’s fine for me and I hope it goes the same way for him. I believe, it makes us appreciate more on the times we have, times when we get the chance to be together to cure all the misery that is famously known as “missing each other”. We try to create as lovely time as we could, so that those memories could be a company when we are far away from each other. I heard people told me long distance relationship barely work. I started to wonder, is that phrase true?

I try to think harder is it true that people avoid misty woods and surrender easily to promising island instead? Are most people tired of trying also believing and give it up to faith instead? Do people prefer something on the recipe book instead of making their own invented meal from scratch? Do people prefer something seen by their eyes than taking risk to search something that is invisible for a while and it's actually right in front of their eyes? Do people prefer things with guarantee? Well there are many things should be questioned about people in the world. It is all depends on the principles that they hold.

Somehow most people that I know, they are more cynical than they used to be. I could say, most of the time they barely remember the words hope and believe. They ran away from things that are to vague. They went for things that they think are safe. But then, their heart actually prefer the adventure for something that is worthier. Is it true we better play it safe than taking extra risks?

Well I couldn’t say that is wrong. It may be a right thing to do for other department in life. But, in love life and friendship, I guess those theory and practice should not be done in most things. Life it needs sacrifice.

You can throw questions such as; do you really trust your partner; aren’t you scared that he/she will cheat on you? Don’t you ever feel afraid that he/she will meet someone else that is better than you? Well imply that to yourself and think. Don’t you think that your partner have the same fear in their minds? SO now what? The answer is honesty, trust and try to do the right thing. You have to trust your partner, be honest to what you think and try to keep yourself in track. For example, you feel he/she is cheating. Don’t judge that he/she is doing all the cheating. But, let them know what you are thinking, if you are scared that they are, then let them know.If, you are listening to your partner that they are scared that we are cheating, don’t feel judge by them but comfort them. If you are cheating, then realize it before it's too late, be honest and ask for apology. Some say once a cheater then they always are a cheater. The cheater tag could be cut off. It’s all about the click. You can measure it with feelings and thinking rationally. Communicate well. It’s a 2 way street. It has to be in balance. Okay, I guess I’m spinning here, I’m repeating myself and making you confuse so I’ll break it down for you in a conclusion. Would long distance relationship work?

There is a slight difference between a long distance and close relationship (I might call). But, the bottom line is both of the relationship could work perfectly. Relationship is part of life. They have the same basic theory and that is do things right. Communicate right. If you trust him/her then trust them right. If you don't trust him/her then tell them why you don't and try to trust them. If something bad happened, give them another chance don’t give up on it. If you really care you'll remind him/her. If you fail at work you’ll hope for a second chance and you hope your co-workers and boss will trust you again. It is the same in a relationship with your love ones. They or you may slip and made some mistakes. We are neither angel nor babies that are pure and clean. We are covered with scar, with flaws. To be alive is to learn. Learn to forgive then learn to trust again. If the mistake keeps repeating then it’s your rights to make the call either to end or be understanding and live with it.

I believe my relationship to work. Why not? There is no reason not to. In life we have to push forwards not standing still, we have to learn to stand up when we fall. We have to learn to stand tall as high as we could without forgetting to keep our feet on the ground. If you want to see life from one side, life is difficult at the present when you are facing the problems. And from the other side life is simple, how difficult could it be, coz obviously we will get through. As long I appreciate what I have with him, as long I remember what I went through to reach him, and what is my reasons, my feelings, and consideration till I decide to be in a relationship with him. These feelings and thinking goes for him as well. As long we are in the same page and try to make the best of it, then why not? we care and we hold each other hands. We click! I could say distance should not be a problem. Everything happens for a reason. It’s how we handle the distance that’s matter. The way we communicate that effects. How we spend our times together (in the best way that we could) cover the times when we are apart and it will decide. If we try to do things right what worst could happen. I know we will get through it perfectly. Just him and me.

Goodbye 2006 Welcome 2007!

2007-01-01T03:00:00.000+01:00

Imagine you are sitting in a dark room and feel so lonely that it couldn’t turn even worst than that. Breakdown strikes that you don’t even know what to do. All you have been doing is sitting in your small couch that you put close to the window for such an event. You were hoping and wishing that someone will sneak to your room and cover your eyes. Having such a surprise, knowing that suddenly that you are not alone and you got the company that you have been hoping for through your holiday, through your lonely days.

That’s what I got, what I feel in the last days before New Years Eve strikes. Unbelievable my hope came true in the last minute. All the balls that juggles up and down most of my time, the rollercoaster ride I have been taking, the breakdown, the spirit to stand, the force you gave your self that you could be there to where you are hoping yourself will be, all the things I've been through the whole year, came a little bit to order. It feels amazing. In a way it was a sad day but I tried to see it through the bright side. There are always bad things inside a good.

Bottom line I have someone that I expected here with me through one of the lovely day in the beginning of the year. There might be something sad happened, but I feel thankful that he was here on that day. When the year change, he was standing next to me and smiled as the fireworks colored the dark rainy sky of Amsterdam. It was lovely. It couldn’t be even worst and better than that in the same time. The rain couldn’t be heavier than that, since I’m soak from head to toe. I know I didn’t spend my new years eve with all of my family, all my lovely friends. But, the happiness that I have is the closes from what I expected in spending my new years eve. I got some of my lovely friends and my special someone, even one of my lovely brother next to me, shared the moment in one of my beautiful city that I could feel home. It’s a little bit of everything in my life. That is more than I can expect. All the cheering, all the love was mixed in the air and made its own color in the sky. All the feeling resolved my own cocktail inside my belly. It gave me all the butterflies. It was lovely.

I do hope all the people in the world had a little bit of something special in starting the New Year. I do hope every single person in the world at least enjoyed the change of the year with one of his or her love ones. Or even though they might not, hope they are companied by the lovely memories of 2006 and beautiful hope from 2007. So to close this blog, I wave goodbye 2006 and spread my hands to welcome 2007!

Daddy little girl

2006-12-16T02:53:00.000+01:00

Somewhere in this night I had a dream. I dream about my dad. As I sat and start to type, I sail to some part of my childhood memories. On every memory stone I step my tears falls. I miss my daddy.

I remember how he force me to jump into the water since I’m so afraid to learn how to swim, I remember how we use to sit on the couch in front of our TV and just sit there in silence enjoy each other companies. I miss watching him switch off my bedroom light at night. I miss pretending to sleep so he will carry me to my room. I miss every single little thing that he used to do. I know I’m a big girl now and it is time for me to stand on my own. Bottom line, I used to be really close with my father. For some reason, for some tragedy, a distance started to grow between us. I won’t lie; sometimes I even try to avoid him. But, being far a way from home and having less time to spend with my family make me think, how precious family could be.

I realize I have been far away from home for quite some time now. Well actually long enough than I could expect. Never thought I will succeed to be far away from home this long. Frankly these 2 1/2 years, sails by so fast that I felt like I barely sailed in it. I do have some jealousy to some of my friends that are so lucky to be very close with their father and still till now. I started to glaze to my past as I remembered I was my daddy spoiled little girl. What did happen till it turns to this dry bond? Well the reason is something I could not reveal. Anyways, since that point of turn, our distance are getting wider and wider. We are getting far away from each other.

I may come home for holidays. I still have the tight bond with my mother and little brother. However, it seems my “father and daughter” bond has loosen that it is so hard to tighten. We barely talk, we barely meet, we just talk as short as possible, sometimes it always result an argument, we never catch up like we used to. And to be honest it breaks my heart. It feels empty for so long. Never thought that the bond we used to have, just disappeared into thin air.

In this minute I wonder, what can a daughter in a far away land to build a bridge on the gap with a father that lives miles and miles away? Where should I start? How can I make him be part of my life like he used to be?I miss him.

Every time I looked at him. It seems I have the body but I don’t have the attention. I do hear his voice but I don’t feel the warmth. I miss him laughing in the conversation we are having. I miss him yelling at me and it made me cry in the middle of the night. I miss him freaked me at night, coz I heared his footsteps to my room while I sneaked for a cigarette. I know I had been a bad daughter, but my love for him is true.

He may be hard as a rock, his care may for certain something, his attention may for someone else, but I do learn many things from him. He is my dear daddy. He is one of those people who made me a girl I am now. He is this man in my live that teach me how to be strong. He taught me to stand on my own. He is a man that taught me dignity as a person; try to be appreciated by every people in my life. He is the man that used to remind me to smile in every obstacle in life and learn from it. He may make a big mistake but deep down I couldn’t deny the anger that I have could be beaten by the love I have. Coz I know deep down inside him, every single of mistake that I make I’m always my daddy little girl.

This blog may be vague to some. For some people who know how my life flow should know what I meant in every single word that I scratch in this page. All that I want to say is, I miss him. I know I can just pick up the phone and start to dial. But, I am wishing I will be able to bring the bond back. I know I could. I know I will, coz I’m still and always be my daddy little girl.

“The Boots”..yap that type!

2006-11-13T02:52:00.000+01:00

Bloggy bloggy..how I miss to babble.. ha ha ha

Anyways life is life. Mine somehow still sinking all the way to the bottom, still trying to swim to the surface any day now. Waiting until I have the strength to come out and inhale the lovely fresh air. Keeping my heads up and a clear mind. Storm will pass I know it will. After I say goodbye to my summer I’m waiting for my autumn to pass me by and say welcome to my winter. Hope this winter will bring me a white and clean start. Hope it will be as white as the snow.

Anyways, enough with the stupid babble and it’s time for my story. I fell in love with “The Boots”..yap that type!..ha ha ha.. For people who are aware with my name on my MSN. Here is the explanation. I fell in love with the classic tall uggs. I love classic and simple style. They never die, well that’s my opinion. It always make a come back.

Tips: keep your basic things, you’ll need it.

I fell in love with the boots since my first year here in Holland. What do I love from it? It is simple, it is comfortable, and it will make me warm. We have the right connection and right sentiment. It is the right type! But then I started to wonder, could it be the same in searching for the right pair in life?

We should have seen relationship as simple as possible, which actually it is complicated as it can be. If you have too many points to be covered how far could you go with it? We gotta take our standard down a notch. For me, that’s what I’m trying to do. Screw the stupid line I want a guy like this and that. For me, as long I’m comfortable and we have the right sentiment then that is the guy. Now I laid my eyes to one boots and I like to keep it that way. And that is what I have to one certain someone.

I have been patient for one type of boots for three years and I have been patient for a certain someone for cannot be describe how long.

I started to ask myself, will I have “the boots”, the pair that I want?.. Does “the boots” want to be owned by me?..

I hope soo…=)

BABYHOOD!

2006-11-12T02:49:00.000+01:00

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG BLOG, PREPARE SOME CHIPS AND DRINKS WHILE YOU READ THROUGH IT!

I chat with Kemal yesterday. One of his friends has a baby. CONGRATULATIONS! Anyways, he sends me the pictures. You wont believe how beautiful she is. This "little human version" that comes out from a woman body after more or less 9 months old. I can’t imagine how they feel the first time they saw their baby. I can’t imagine how grateful and happy they could be. After I chat I started to remember, there is this phrase in Indonesia that says parents love to their children is indescribable, unlimited, uncountable and it never runs dry nor stop. The love will pour and pour in every of our days. how come?

It is amazing, even as naughty as we could be, as we act rebellion to all their rules, they keep loving us. We did and do things that they expect us not to do, after all the stupid things we do they still could love us pure and true. If that happens in dating that will be the day we broke up. I believe parent’s love to their children is the purest love you can find. We could say that they are sooooo annoying with all their complains to us, but that is just a prove of love. But then I started to wonder, how does my parents feel the day they know they will have a child of their own? How they feel afterwards? What is the story behind Amanta?

I decided to ask my dad instead. I know he wouldn’t sugar coated things or dramatized the story. I am my parent first-born child. They had to wait for 7 years till god trust me to my beloved parent. They keep trying to be pregnant for 5 years till one day they started to think; if god will trust us with a baby, we will have one (at least) someday. I am a Muslim. Somehow this is just a story how my Muslim parent see this thing. We as a Muslim believes that a child is something that god ask and trust us to care, to protect, to love, and to raise. We don’t own that child 100%, coz in anyways the child is god to own. Unbelievable, they decided not to go to the doctor for a fertility test. They want to avoid the fight that could happen, in other words will be blaming each other. Well they just pray that maybe god will trust them with a child. They just leave it to FAITH.

Till one day, my dad feels that there was something weird from my mom (no need the details right?). He asked her to go to the doctor. She went. She’s pregnant. I was 3 months old when they knew. In Indonesia by that time, there is no such the USG technology. So they couldn’t know what is my gender. My dad asked the doctor. The doctor predicts that I am a boy coz of my strong and healthy heartbeat. Unbelievable! He thought I was a boy! I guess doctors could be wrong.

Five almost 6 months later, it was time for me to get out from my moms belly (I did wonder how it feels in there..hehehe). In the 80’s and before that time, in Indonesia fathers are not allowed to be in the delivery room (I don’t know how it goes in your country). That is why my dad had to wait outside. All he can hear was my mom screaming in pain, and after a while he could hear me cry. That was Sunday, 30 September 1984. The next thing my dad hears the nurse told my mom, “congratulation, your baby is pretty”. My dad started to think; pretty? if the baby is pretty I don’t think the baby is a boy. So yeah here I am in this world. I was a baby girl named Amanta Shakina that comes after 7 years of my parent’s pray, they wish and they wait patiently. I can feel tears started to fall on my face as my dad told me the story.

I ask him how did it felt? You can tell different things about feelings. But the only thing he said that what I should know is how thankful they are finally trusted to have a child. He told me how thankful he is to have my little brother and me. I guess he just can’t describe how it feels. But, by that time all I can feel is the love that I get and still getting from my parent, while my dad gave me all the parts of my start, my babyhood in the world.

I never knew my stories. I should be honest, that we (as one family) never have a chance to sit down and talk. I do want to know when did I start to crawl and pull things? What was my first word? How do they see me now? Are they proud of me? There are many questions I want to ask but I guess I’ll keep it till I go back to my lovely country.

I can’t lie sometimes I did complain that I felt they don’t love me, that they love my brother more or what so ever that I said when I was a little girl. But now I see it in a different way, they just couldn’t show their love in a way I expected but it doesn’t mean they stop loving me or don’t love me. All I could say; my brother and I are lucky to be love by them. And i hope after you read this you'll show more appreciation to your parents. Knowing they love you more than you know. Whether you're near or far.

Rebound Crush!

2006-11-06T02:46:00.000+01:00

I know! It has been a long time since the last time I wrote for this blog. Yeah, no new stories that I could turn into a blog or I might say, too complicated to become a blog. Now I’m in my friends’ room. I checked my mail. Happy I am to read a message from one of my dear friend. I guess you’ll be aware to the photographer dude. From the story he up dated me, it made me think, Is it normal to have a rebound crush?

It is obvious when you are breaking up with someone there should be certain percentages that it turns out you’ll need someone next to you. You need someone to ease the crazy pain. The person could be your friends, a family, or just someone randomly that happens to be in the right place in just the right time. But then from that situation, could you predict how it will turned out from the rebound game?

Imagine you use to have a cup poured and filled by love. It is being filled for a while until the love spills out from the cup. Then one crazy day, it stops pouring. Then the love in the cup runs dry. Panic comes. What happens after that? That’s when most people do; they tried to find a distraction. It’s a total different thing then moving on. However, it is one of the stone you sometimes have to step to move on. Could I say it’s a crime? Well to be honest I can’t.

Now if one of the person in the rebound game started to have a different feelings and hoping that the situation could change to a real “love me love you” situation, I might suggested: DON'T! Why?

As I said, the person that started the rebound game just needed someone to calm the situation, a hand to hold, or a shoulder to cry. I could say it is sort of a shock therapy. If you change that situation and take it to a “different road” do you really think it will work?

Well everything could happen that’s true. It’s not a crime to hope. But if you decided to go on that road, then prepare your self for the worst. When he/she moved on so you have to hold the umbrella for your rainy day. It'll hurt! But then yeah you know what the worst scene that could happen from the start. But then what happen if you went a step further, you wonder what is his/her feeling after a while you’ve been holding their hands? Now take the worst scene. What happen if he/she leaves without a 1-week notice afer you wonder?

Sorry dear buddy, if he/she leaves without any notice, I guess you can figure out by yourself what is the answer. You may have an opinion that maybe they’re just not ready for a new relationship kind of thing. But I suggested don’t even go to that place. If they do have a feeling for you they’ll let you know black and white. I like you but I’m not ready sentenced should be delivered to you in any time. They wouldn’t let you slip away. Well that’s the theory I got. there should be certain points to be concidered in the real life. But then I wonder do people now have the guts to book their next date or they will just let love slips away coz they're not sure or scared? Special message for my far away friend: You are right, see her as one of the great thing that is part of your life. But don’t stay in that hole too long. Pull your self-together, pack your bags and continue your journey. She might be not the lady to walk with you. She is just not your missing piece. You might need to wait for the right one to come. You might ask your self where is your piece? She is close by! 2 pieces that should be together wouldn’t be too far away from each other. They always find their way to be together. Whether it is planed or even by accident. Life is a ball of miracle, you'll never know what or who will be waiting just around the corner.

Drop of Pain

2006-10-27T02:44:00.000+02:00

Is there any pure happiness? Would you/did you ever feel completely happy if/when you see your special someone smiles next to someone else instead of you? You may feel happy for your special one, if they are happy. But inside those happiness that you feel, there should be a wound, a Drop of pain that can’t be heal. at least we try..

Could we let our love one completely free? maybe never, maybe someday, or maybe we did...

Eye message

2006-10-25T02:39:00.000+02:00

I was planning to clean my room, but somehow my laziness struck me. What can I say; on my free day I prefer being lazy. Anyways, a song with the title “Love moves in mysterious ways” was playing from my laptop. It made me think, does love really moves in mysterious ways?

We may think that we can control how love happens. We see a guy/girl that we like and we make a move. In a way we never really thought, where did that feeling of like comes from? How come we saw each other at that moment? Why not when you are in the age of 10 instead of 20? Why him/her not the other guy/girl that is in the same room with you that moment? I never could answer that. Somehow you feel that you found a bridge that shows your way to that person.

Now imagine you are in an open space. For example, in a garden party, Somehow with all the people there your eye is tied with one person only. Then automatically your eyes search for him/her, if suddenly in 1 point he/she went out of your sight. You just have this radar that work to spot him/her in just the count of seconds. Is that one more thing about move in mysterious ways? It is weird. If the eye contact that was made happens many times and a smile happens to be in 1 cute package with it will that make a different meaning? But somehow I couldn’t help but wonder, when 2 people eyes meets, does that explain something or is it just a coincidence that it doesn’t mean a thing? If there is a message behind it, will it be passed perfectly just by eye contacts? Could an eye contact be a message messenger?

Forgive then Forget

2006-10-24T02:36:00.000+02:00

It is sugar feast for every Muslim in the world… So in that case will like to say happy sugar feast. Minal aidin wal faidzin everybody..

It's 5 A.M and i'm awake. WoooHHooo.. Not a normal thing to happen and to do for a lazy girl name Chakee. However, while I’m hoping for my friends to open their eyes and take their lazy ass to the shower, I am actually waiting for the water to boil (for my morning coffee). As I throw my sight to the dark dawn sky, I started to wonder Could we easily forgive?

There are many things that we ask and give for an apology in this world. There are lies; there are mistakes, bad attitudes and so on that we want to clear the air from. Since it could be a weeklong discussion for all of those points, I’m going to make this short. So I’ll narrow it down and talk about one of the things we most likely do. Lie! Many people lie. We make a mistake then we lie, we are hiding something then we lie, we feel bad then we lie and all other reasons that bring us to the “Lie Land”. Nevertheless, there are many ways to get there. There are small lies, big lies. There are white lies, black lies. There are lies with plans and lies in the last minute. Any kind of lies you want to list. In the theory of forgiveness it stated that we could forgive or accept someone apology for his or her lies, as long the address for the “lie package” are right (by that sentence I mean the reasons). But Does that rule could be easily use to all lies we made in practice?

What happen if you lie to yourself about your feeling? In short (in my opinion) it is known as denial. Lets take a case, If you like someone that actually not available (other word is not single), you lie to him/her about your feelings since you don’t want him/her to be “cornered” by your feelings. In this case, you lied maybe with a reason that you want him/her finish his/her “things” with his/her present partner and deal with you later. Is that lying acceptable? You lie to your self. Are you capable to forgive yourself lying to your own heart?

Somehow you try to save your feeling for not confusing him/her. You act like you could deal with it and postpone all the feelings for him/her. How long you could gamble for something that you don’t even know what will happen to you in the future? While your feelings in stake and you hold it all for his/her advantage, could that be called a white lie? But then I remember when you start a lie; another lie will come and follow. While you hold your feelings and made another lie to yourself that everything will be ok, or I can wait don’t you worry lie (for example), could you actually handle it all? And in for that matter somehow you hurt yourself in one way, could you forgive then forget a lie you make to yourself?

I guess it couldn’t be forgotten. Anyways every mistake that you made will leave a hole in your heart or someone else’s heart. A mark that is hard to be erased. When you are alone at night you feel the pain that no one could heal. There should be a time that those mistakes flash back into our mind, it could be an accident or in a certain purpose brought it up to the surface. While the person you are waiting enjoying each minute of his/her feeling with the other person, (for the case above) I suggest for you to stop lying about your feelings in the sake of someone else happiness, which he/she didn’t even care about yours.

SPECIAL BLOG DELIVERY FOR: MY LITTLE BROTHER..

Deal and Decide

2006-10-20T02:29:00.000+02:00

I was chatting with my brother this afternoon. He was babbling about his love life. It has been a while since the last time we up date each other. I was reading my little brother story. He was telling how sad he is waiting for his lady to stop playing around. Somehow that gal still fooling around with other boys, in the same time she promise my brother that she is coming back with him. It doesn't really matter about the details. Main point is that I started to realize how come the problem that his facing is almost the same as mine?

I believe that everybody have the same main line in life. We are expected to deal and learn for the same messages in life. However, the problem may happen in a different ways and in different time. But as I said it should have the same main message to be learn. Another point that we should remember is that we have our own way to deal with those problems. Then I started to wonder how actually we could deal with it? Does this modern life have its own effect on how we deal with our love life?

People sometimes act so desperate when it deals with love. Especially with all the pressure from this modern life and lifestyle, love life started to turn somewhat depressing as well. Most people still have the patience to believe that every “Adam” could find their “Eve” or the other way around. You started to mess up your life and somehow that show your desperate situation. Are we in a denial that we actually do hope for someone? Your friends try to find a solution to your pain or you started to make your self busy to deny the need of someone next to you. By the end of the day you realize even more, that no one special is next to you. You don’t really have someone walk with you hand in hand through all of your pain. I ask my self again, do I really need someone else next to me? Is it that hard to be single?

I use to be the girl that deals with all the balls that are juggling in my life by sitting still. I try to catch it one by one in silent. As I grow older by time. I change the way I view and solve it all. I ask people to juggle with me and help me clean the mess I am in. I started to catch more than one ball in one time. I lost my way to solve my problems. I ask them for advices, I ask people for comfort and all. Then I started to think, do we really need somebody when maybe you can fill that somebody place by yourself?

The answer is always in you. Someone else in your life could be the ornament for a Christmas tree. The ornaments may make the tree looks beautiful. Even without it, the tree shows the same feeling for people who looks at it. It is still a beautiful tree for Christmas, but it wouldn’t be perfect. Then I started to wonder, is that one of the way we deal with life?

I notice there are many ways to deal with life. As I always said the decision will be ours to decide. We learn to make a decision since we are young. There are many decisions we did take and we will take. As we grow older the decision demands a full focus before it take place. We may need some inputs to find the right decision. There should be a risk to be face afterwards, a sacrifice, and strength to take that decision. However I started to wonder how long and strong a person could stand for their Deal and Decision?

Silence as Romance

2006-10-04T02:27:00.000+02:00

I wish that someone were here next to me. It is cold outside and I wished someone were hugging me through the night. Well I can use the thing that someone invented, which we call a blanket. But wouldn’t it be nicer if your love one were hugging you? Sometime I feel sad that the one I care about is miles away from me. Distance is bugging me. But what can i say. Thank god we are not in different continent at least. But somehow it’s funny; when he is next to me sometimes I turn to this speech less woman. I can’t say a word to him. Every single word just stuck in my throat. Then I couldn’t help but wonder, is there any easy way to communicate?

It happens when you are nervous or maybe you are too scared to tell. There are many reasons for you to become a speech less person. You want to tell how you feel in words instead of an action to prove. But somehow the words just don’t come out. What would you do by that time?

It happened once. Someone that I care was next to me. I was crying. We talked about our situation. We shared what had happen when we are far away from each other. We had a sad moment (I will say) before that. Well obviously since I was crying. Anyways, I can’t say a word. There many questions i want to ask and many things i want him to know. I want to say to him how much I care for him, how much I don’t want him to go, How much I don’t want to loose him. I want to say how much he means to me. Well my tears showed the feeling. But only god knows what he was thinking while I was crying. There should be some mix messages inside that brain. And then some songs played in the background. My laptop was on and it plays all of these music’s. Somehow lucky me it’s the play list that I made for him, which some of the songs was our song. He notices. He ended up sitting close to me hug me tight. It feels comfortable and warm. He turns my tears into a smile. I remember that he asked me, “Are songs somehow change to your way to communicate?” I guess it is. I communicate with him through the songs. He answers me through the hug. It was two different ways to communicate, from two different people. Suddenly tears turns to romance. It turned to be one of my special nights with him.

I realize how much silent could be a perfect and romantic moment. It may sound cheesy for some. You may ask how come silent be a romantic moment? Aren’t we supposed to be talking with each other when you’re with your partner? Not always for me. As I said before it’s romantic. All you need in those times are the right person close to you, silent and right songs on the background. Or maybe some candles as the last touch. You can feel how much you feel comfortable with your partner. Snuggle together. mmmmm..You just enjoy each other company and travel your lovely times with them. Someday when you are in different places, countries or even continents, you and your partner can feel each other’s companionships through the songs that was shared just between you two. There are many romantic ways where you can create with your love one.

If you ask yourself when was the last time you experience a romantic moment, the answer may be “I don’t really remember when”. May i say, "Not good". It seems ages ago when a guy/girl left a note in a piece of paper and left it somewhere in your room that written “I miss you” on it or other romantic gesture that just made you fly with all your butterflies, which turns to memories that you can remember when you are away from each other. All i can say is spice it up a little bit.

But then I couldn’t help but wonder are romantic gestures still in the menu?

Kiss Communication

2006-09-28T02:19:00.000+02:00

Today was a nice day. I had succeeded to have some fun outside for a while. Sabrina called and we decided to hang out at the Diemerplein (it is a place with all the shops in my little town). The place is small but at least it provides most of the things we need. We met at this family café (I might say).

I love this place. It has this perfect ice cappuccino (which they only sell it in the summer) and the friendly atmosphere. Well anyways, most people that come to this place is from the age box 40 to older. There are some younger people around but most of them came there with their family.

I was sitting there all by myself waiting for Sabrina. As I sat and look around I saw all these old people chatting and laughing with their friends. Every new people comes in they said hi to each other and give the Dutch kiss (which is the kiss on the cheeks 3 times). Then I couldn’t help but wonder what actually kisses represents?

There are many kinds of kisses and in many ways. It’s unbelievable the feelings that kisses could give. It could be a greeting when you meet friends or families. It could represent the feelings you care for your love one. It could be a passionate sign. It could be most things. It depends on the way we give it and to whom the kisses are given.

Even a kiss on your forehead, you could sense the caring from the person who kissed you. It is weird that you can’t fake those things. You just don’t feel the care if the person who kiss you didn’t kiss you with care. You can’t feel the love if the person who kissed you didn’t kiss you with love. Is there any rulebook on how you kiss?

Some people do need a way to show their love and care. For a person like me prove is needed. You may say that my life is like a court. I need a case, I need reasons and I need prove. I never said that words are not important. But surely we can fake what we feel and explain it in the opposite ways. But with your attitude you barely could fake it. Is there a way to fake the feelings behind a kiss?

Could we say that a kiss is another tool or medium to communicate?

There is this one kiss that I never forget. It was my first innocent kiss. Nothing ever tops that feeling (so far). It feels perfect and sweet like vanilla ice cream with caramel syrup and cherry on top, just the way I like it.

It was a lovely trip to the beach with my love ones; my family, a couple of friends and of course “the guy”. I was in Junior High. This trip turns out to become the trip that I can’t forget. Never thought a family trip could turn to my "first kiss trip". Not gonna tell you the detail coz it will be too long. All that i can say is, an extra help was needed by that time. And the help comes from a piece of candy. It was cute.

When it happened you feel like it wasn’t real. You opened your eyes and voilllllaaa!!! It wasn’t a dream. You just feel these butterflies tickling inside your belly. You smile the whole time that you just don’t believe it happen. You see the guy & you just smile. I saw him playing basketball & I smile. I bet if my mother saw me, she will ask me if i was ok. Every single eye contact you made with him you just know the click. We experience something that only both of us knew. A little secret just between us that no one in that place or even the whole world knew. It is special. I am happy.

Every person experiences a first kiss. There is always a first for everything. Every single first is a memory that a person couldn't erase. It will be filed neatly inside the drawers in your brain. It is sweet how a kiss can give you such a feeling that couldn’t be described.

But then I couldn’t stop myself to wonder will I get that kind of feelings again?

dead end or happily ever after?

2006-09-27T02:13:00.000+02:00

It is a weird week. Many things happened and I am betting that many things are lining up for "their official premier". Today I feel empty and I don’t know why. Maybe there are too many things going on and it happened so fast, my brain just froze.

Yesterday was one of those weird days. Someone that makes me feel home was here. It was a lovely, fun and weird night. Never believe that his around. Never believe the day would come. It has been our discussion for 2 years that maybe someday he’ll come and be around in the same country or maybe the country near by. Unbelievably he did it.

At some point we sat and share stories, close by my room window. I was too excited till I didn’t realize the changes that happen to the weather outside. It was cloudy, but It’s still a little warm outside. It feels as summer breeze was saying goodbye. As the breeze pass us by, it took our stories with them to the wonderland.

Anyways, can’t give you the detail what stories we shared. But by the end I found something that I keep asking myself, when should we stop waiting?

At some point i do believe that people will wait for love. When someone has special feeling to "somebody else" and they are still waiting for his/her turn to come. Could that be one of the craziest and riskiest things to do? What happen if that "somebody else" is somebody else’s lover? Does that make any different, or is it still the same coz the theme is still waiting?Could that prove how much you care for that somebody?

People do intend to do outrages things when they are moved by something that is outstanding. By that sentence (which is confusing I might add) it means that a person could have the patient to wait even for years if, they really meant by what they feel. They just have the strength and believe. There must be a doubt somewhere inside there. But, it will be perfectly covered by all the imagination of what we want. Suddenly you just swallow all the pain and try to live with it. As days gone by you start to loose track on how long you’ve been waiting.

As the stars outside give me the company as I’m writing tonight I couldn’t help but wonder. Does waiting patiently bring you to a dead end or living happily ever after?

The L word..followed with O..and so on

2006-09-24T01:56:00.000+02:00

I’ve been sitting here in my room for 3 days doing nothing. Well not really, but kind of. But anyways, I’ve been listening to some songs. Can't deny knowing the fact that most of the songs are made based on the word love. Even Rock songs have some songs telling love stories. Either it’s in a broken hearted situation or even the sweet memories between 2 people. Weird but it’s true.

There are songs telling how their love ones hurts their feeling. It could be that they don’t match. There are love songs telling us about waiting for someone to come.

Imagine someone is waiting for someone. Everybody knows that waiting is the least thing we want to do. But funny it is even people who hate to wait will wait for love. People could turn crazy, desperate and sick coz of love.

Love, Is it just a feeling inside that is so vague that you’re so lost in it?

1 word with a strong effect, 1 word with a vague meaning. Even oxford dictionary have at least 10 points in explaining what love means. Even though the 10th one is about tennis (But still it’s the meaning of the word love). i guess that explains how vague love could be. That 1 word could give many inspiration for all the people in the world. But then again that word could be an inspiration to kill someone or even start a war. Does love actually have those huge effects on this world? All I know it’s a dangerous word that maybe, we need a prescriptions for it. I ask my friends, how can you explain the word love. They just answer, “ you will know the answer when you’re in love”

Then I couldn’t help my self but wonder does anybody really know what love means?