Back For My Luggage

Did you ever wonder how much you could remember from the past? Did you ever analyze how you travel from the past, wondering in the present and how will you arrive to the future? How detail did you remember from the past? Even if you keep track and create every milestones of your life in your diary there’s no guarantee that every minute, every second of your life is listed. Yeah I did wonder about it. Who I am now, who I use to be, how I use to think, how I use to see certain issues and what would I decide by that time, will I decide the same thing like today. Where would I be and who I will be in the future? Two days ago I stared at the sky. We were enjoying warm drinks by that time, reducing the cold we have brought in to the room. I was with my friends in the Eerste café at central station, Amsterdam. That day was the day when we signed the contract for our future temporary home. Yeah, we got it baby!.. Well anyways, we got into the café and it was raining outside. Shower rain. Heavy shower. The sky turns dark. If I’m not mistaken, it was only 4.30 P.M. I can’t blame the sky for the season decided to change. I guess it was time for the change. I welcome winter with smile and make sure that I didn’t frown. Then after quite some times, the waiters were chatting next to us. One of them point at the window right next to me and the other one instantly stared. As he stared I decided to follow. As I see far outside, there was ray of light through the sky curtain of gray clouds. The beautiful sunset ray found its way to shine this part of the earth. I didn’t notice when did the rain stops pouring. But still, the sun seems to found its way to say goodnight, which signing its task for that day was done. Somehow it hurts to see the sun go, even though I know I’ll meet the sun again. Occupied by the sun, not realizing that a plane passing by. The minute I saw the plane, my imagination went with it. I remember “my coffee”, and it reminds me of his dad. Funny how it seems, but it’s entirely true. As the plane flew through the dark clouds, I said to my friends, “ I bet that plane is having a turbulence coz it is flying through thick, dark clouds” and afterwards I said to myself, in a minute the rain will fall again. The dark clouds are here in this part of the earth. I know when I was a kid, I did thought that thunder is a sign that god is angry. I tried to remember of my childhood, did I ever think that rain were tears of the sky, coz maybe we made them sad. But that day I did fell sad. It seems the sky was reflecting what I felt at that time. As I followed the plane with my eyes, seems it flew to the end of the world, in life journey I wonder could we fly back to the past? Of course no will be the answer. But still, life is a journey. We pack stuffs to bring with us. Some we left it at home, some new thing we bring to the next destination. That’s just the way on how you prepare your trip. I know I keep repeating that. I remember my last journey. Departure Indonesia. Arrival Holland. I’ve been back in Holland for 2 weeks now. However, 2 week ago as my trip continued on a plane, as my life continued as well. 16 hours journey on the plane was right in front of me, I’m starting my life journey in the plane. The life in the plane was bitter sweet, in its own ways. People greet each other as they notice they came from the same country. I could hear clearly “The Dutch men” greet and share their “wine” of experience to one another, the bitter the sweet. The “1st stewardess” you meet greets you. The “2nd stewardess” helps you to your seat and store your “luggage” in the upper compartment. She just helped you to restore it for the short life journey in the plane. The “3rd stewardess” makes sure that you are comfortable, answer to your questions, and make sure you are safe and prepared. The next “the head of stewardess” greets you, she thought you what you need to know in the journey. From the knowledge you need, informing you, guiding you, explaining to you, until taking care you. The next thing you know, you saw the sign. You learn. You have to put your seat belts on and after a while the plane started to move. The “captain” checked the flaps, checked the brake, the engine and so on. The captain introduces him self, he explains to you, he informs you, he make sure and checked. He controls the journey. The next thing you know he said it’s time to leave. And we are off. As we left the runway, my heart ache, it seems I left my “luggage” back at home. I couldn’t go back and bring it with me. Not for now, not for quite sometime. I just stare as the city fades away behind the clouds. Turbulence. That’s what I met. But after that it was a clear blue sky, steady flight. I throw my sight as far as I can see. Just clear blue sky. I see the soft, wavy clouds beneath me. It’s white like I used to draw it looks comfortable and warm. I wonder how something seems so soft could cause so much turbulence. It gave the rumbles. Time passed by I saw the sunset in front of my eyes. The sun is saying goodbye. I know I’ll see it again. But somehow I am not sure that the moon and the stars will shine on me that night cause I know I left my “luggage”. I know it is filled with my precious things. My heart felt empty without it and my heart felt heavy at the same time. I felt sad. My “luggage”. My mom and my brother. I missed them. Yes, they are the luggage I can’t bring. I told “my coffee”. He said I’d be ok. I ask my self, would something change from the” luggage”? Will everything be the same when I return? I know there have been many changes. I know there’s a possibility for it. Even the sunny day change to a dark night. “My coffee” holds my hand and I was floating. I float as the plane flew. I close the shades of my plane window, I felt safe. Hours passed by. I open the shades of my plane window. I throw my sight as far as I can see. It was dark out, but there are some things that sparkled. It’s not the rain. It was the stars. It was glittering on the dark sky. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I saw that many stars in the sky. I couldn’t remember how beautiful a night sky could be. Probably that is one of the missing memories. Anyways, the stars were uncountable. It was beautiful. Apparently stars did shine on me that night but then, turbulence greets me afterwards, few more for the rest of the journey. Some just “greets” for a while and some did “stay for a chat”. It really did stay for a while. I try not to be bothered and enjoy the rest of the journey. Once and a while I hold “my coffee” for comfort, try not to bother his rest. It was the time to land. Return to the ground. I haven’ t miss the ground yet. But the journey has to end. Well the “captain” said so. The stars left, but somehow the sun hasn’t come. But I don’t mind, I know I’ll meet the sun again. After I landed, a new journey starts on its own. No “stewardess” or “captains”. But, I met my friends, the “luggage” that I left in Holland. It was sweet of them to come. I now they’ll leave sometime after. But, then again I know I’ll meet them again. I drag my luggage with me and try not to cry for missing the “luggage” back home. That was my sky journey. That was part of my life. I know it is over, for now. But I know I’ll be return way up there again someday. I know some pieces of my past is missing, but it’s ok I kept the precious ones in mind. I’ll get the rest when I come back. I’m living in this moment. I’m living in my seconds. Don’t worry I already plan my next destination. Wish me luck for it. As I stroll with my luggage in one hand, holding “my coffee” in the other, and I strolled my way to my flat. Back for my “luggage” here in Holland and try to find some more new “luggage” for me to keep.

cut of the X tag..could we?

I don’t want to be cynical in life but sometimes you just can’t help it. Anyways, today is kinda depressing. The weather is actually great outside. The sun is shinning and totally not a fake sun like in the wintertime. Anyways, some say that good day make a good mood. Apparently not for my last 2 fabulous weather days. I was being negative instead. My mood is kinda down. 2 bright warm days turns out to be a disaster.

While I feel bothered by the phrase I mention above (that I was hoping for good days), apparently it turned out the other way around. I started to think about “the virus” in a relationship. Don’t ask how did I get there. Anyways. Relationship is like a baby. It need to be pampered, it need to be taken care of. But it doesn’t mean it couldn’t be ill, It couldn’t be in pain once and a while, it doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be anything that will interfere. Yeah, the virus. One of the viruses in a relationship is the X. What do you do with an X?

I believe there are two kinds of X in the world of relationship, the X you make peace with and the X you make war with. The X you made peace with is the X that you could be friends with, either he/she is your X or your partner X. But then there are the bothering X the ones that made you or your partner insecure with their present.

Me personally, I try to be friends with X. Hey it couldn’t be deny that those guys did fill my days in their own periods of time (and my boyfriends Ex.’s did fill his days). The closer we are as friends with an X the better. By that phrase I mean I try to keep as friends and hope we could be good friends. We do know each other, it’s just more than a friend relationship doesn’t work, right? Our X and us just not the shoes that fits. Face it we couldn’t force a relationship that doesn’t work. That’s why we choose to break up and we should be friends.

Why is it so hard to get along with an X?

There should be a reason that we couldn’t get along with an X. The bothering X. The X that create an insecure vibe to the new comers. Couldn’t be denied that there is some annoying X, where they use their ticket as a friend in a wrong way. Well what can I say if feelings are still involve it could be bad for an X. Break up is hard. So what can we try to do? Trust me it’s a hard thing to do. It needs time and process. Be friends with an X and an X to be friends with the new girl/boy. Then I started to wonder does everybody get along with the X?

Well some of us do get along. But, there still some of us that don’t. As a grown up, we do have to learn to act and think like one. All I know is as a girlfriend of a man I don’t want to have a fight with an X and as an X I don’t want to be tag as an X friend instead by the end of the day. All of that is just a theory of course. Well it worked with me so far in practice even though it is hard to gain trust Even though I tried to make peace as a friend or friends with an X, sometime miss understanding do take place. With the ups and downs in trying to be a friend with an X, I still wonder, could we really make peace with an X?

It will depend of what kind of X we made us to be by the end of the day. As I said I am an X myself. But as an X I do try to open my eyes and see. If I was the girl next to that guy what I don’t want an X to do? We as an X do have a right to be acknowledged as a friend. There are no rights to erase an X that try to be friends. But of course we as an X should have an attitude with boundaries (remember don’t cross the line). As an X to my X-boyfriends, I just try to put a mirror in front of me and try not to be a threat to my X-boyfriends relationship with the new girl. Basically if we act not threatening I don’t think any one will feel threatened with our present. So to the X out there, do act with boundaries, act like real friends should do. It doesn’t mean if you are an X you have an extra rights from friends limit and turn yourself into foe. Nothing is impossible if we try to do something right. Try to cut the X tag? Could you?

Heart in Ayam Kecap

“My coffee” and his weird craving. He craved for my own recipe of what we called “Ayam Kecap”. I am not a good chef. I use the real name of the cuisine and I will make it in my own ways. What did I actually do? I just made it by predicting what ingredients it should be in it and hope it taste good. Surprisingly, My coffee loves it. Even worst, there was always time when there are guests staying at my place. But, again I haven’t done any grocery shopping. So what I do is, I open my fridge; see what I have in stock. Figure something out and create something that I guess my guests could enjoy (at least I hope they did..hi hi). Bottom line, I create foods without names. If you ask me again what’s in it, I will answer I do not know all I know it wont kill you. But, I do love cooking even though I never follow any recipe. I love to stay in the kitchen and just mix something (sometimes burn something). I didn’t say I am a pro, did I.

Once I live with my friends; Farrah and Teri. One night, Farrah wanted to cook for us dinner. She only fried the frozen chicken burger and we plan to eat it with rice. She did burn the chicken, but we had a laugh. We appreciate her heart with it and still have that moment as a giggle for once and a while until now. I started to wonder, so what made that night fun? What made the food still taste good even though it was burned kinda bad?

Maybe the love of friendship that we shared while we enjoy that food made the food taste more delicious and made us miss the moment even more. Maybe the heart that my friend give unconsciously while she made it, made us appreciate the meal we had that night. I guess that’s where good memories come from.

Anyways talking about making something with heart, I believe that everything you make will be wonderful if you give your love or I should say a little bit of heart in it. For example, if you have an assignment to draw something. You hate drawing. But then again, you have to. If you made the drawing with a little bit of heart, automatically you will spend more time on it. Of course the people who made with a will to do it, will spent more time in their job as well. But, what I’m trying to say is if you made it with heart people will see the result differently. They will feel your passion in it and that will make them appreciate your creation even more. Not just a creation from a hard worker. Not just a drawing that was made just because you have to. If you did something with love, I guess everybody will appreciate it. What is my real point you may ask?

My point is, we need to have the passion to do things. We need the will and sincere feelings in process. We need a little bit of heart as part of it. Love could be transferred through anything. It could be sent through food, through eye contact, through art, through every single thing. No wonder everyone love their mothers home baked cookies. Maybe we consume the love that it was given as the food was created. Like I always said love goes two ways, if people receive your love, believe me it will return to you in many ways, sooner or later. Nothing to loose in trying and put a little heart in everything. By the end of the day, when you know someone love what you made then you know you receive some of the love you sent out. There is enough amount of love in the world. You wouldn’t ran out of it if you share it in life. So, as a closure I’ll say, “Ayam Kecap, anyone?”

What will you do in your last minute?

My friend forced me to watch a movie called “if Only”. Anyways, that movie made me miss “my coffee” even more. It made me realize even more, how lucky I am. That movie made me realize how caring for someone could be so beautiful. It is funny how everybody starts his or her care for his or her special someone. Maybe, he/she is someone that you accidentally bump in your life where faith bring you two in one point to be one. But, there should be something about him/her that attracts you. Afterwards, you care for them more than you realize. After all those feelings rushing in, the weird part is you are willing to do crazy things for them. But then I started to wonder in that roller coaster, how long it would last? How much are you willing for that feeling to last? I guess it depends on how much you appreciate the feeling that you both have. Then I started to wonder, how much you could appreciate what you have?

In that movie it shows that the guy had to went through such a bad tragedy to realized how much he love his girl. He got to face a tragedy to feel how much he didn’t treat his girl right, where actually the girl was always there for him just to make everything better. After the tragedy he knows how much he don’t want to loose her. He regret for not showing how much he needed her. Anyways, after that movie I know that there is one point where you just regretted for not showing enough of your love. But, do you need “regret” to show love? How can we realize “love” before “regret” comes?

Imagine when it snows in wintertime. You see how beautiful the town could be all cover in white. But when the snow disappears you just regret why you didn’t take at least one picture of it. You remembered that you were too lazy to go out and face the cold in that time. You thought that it would last at least for another day. You did hope that you might be able to see it the next morning when you opened your bedroom curtains. My point is that we imagine, what will we feel if we loose our special someone. What will we do in our last 1-minute (with someone that you really care) just to let them know how much they meant for us?

Love is pure. Sometimes you just don’t realize that it’s there. For example, you never really realize how much your parent loves you. It’s too pure that you just don’t really realize it. You keep arguing with them every time you got a chance. If you just once acknowledge and try to be more sensitive that all they did was based on the love for you. As I say, sometime you may forget or didn’t realize that is actually there on every step of your life. It’s there and makes you grow. It’s just an example why love is so pure. It’s like the air that surrounded us. We need it to survive. But sometime, we just don’t remember that it’s there. Feel it, what will make love more colorful and obvious in your own way.

I am advising you to show your love as much as you can. Push regrets away before it comes. You’ll never know what destiny may deliver you to. Tell the one that you love every time you got a chance. Forget about ego, forget about self-esteem, and forget about your pride. Just let them know, as it was your last minute with them. Show them that you care. Show them how much they mean to you. It’s about making a good memory, share times whether you are near or far. Give comfort to one and another. Make each other feel secure that everything will be fine. Bottom line make the most of it. Like it’s your last second with them. Then you’ll know that you had made the most of it. Then you know you had passed your day perfectly. Just make sure you did it right hope you won't wish you could turn back time. It’s never enough time to show love. But, you know you did the best and right for it.

I dedicate this blog to my coffee. Thank you for making my days beautiful. Thank you for holding me so tight when I think I’m about to fall. Thank you for supporting me on each difficult things in my each and everyday. You have stand by my side while I walk through my life long enough than we realize. You give me comfort. You give me the fairytale that I wish for. Thank you for being mine.