People believe that the only person that you can depend on is yourself. I know it’s true. Recently I’m juggling a thousand balls. Each week the world starts to throw a new ball at me. Now all I know everything is cluttered. I lost my rhythm. I lost my skills to juggle these balls up and down circling in the air. I wish I could find a way to do this. I think I know how. Yes I know how. But where do I start?
I never ever wanted to disappoint people around me. They cheered me up for my own good. They did their best. But where is my best? Why do i feel my best is never enough? I used to manage to keep things in order. I used to manage to keep everyone happy. Be there for them to talk to, to hug, to hand them a tissue and give them a support. But every single time I do what I wanted to do I end up disappointing myself caused by disappointing others. My decision for myself is most of the time out point. If I were to throw a ball to my future, I would miss the target for most of it. Once I hit on point -for what I thought it was for my sake- it ends up as a wrong decision for me and affect the others. People might say then don’t give a f**k what people say. Just keep on doing it, you’ll get a hold of it. Then again I keep thinking I can’t and people could. but one thing that I always wonder, they might say they care about me, by the end they could put themselves first. They just know when to save themselves first. But why can I?
All I know I’m starting from zero. Well I don’t have as bad luck as many people in the world. I know, I could survive. I know I will. But what I envy them the most is they do have someone to be there for them on their good and on their bad, 110% always on their side. I wish I had them. They know they have one person who will always pray for them every single day. I know that we have to finish our businesses on our own. But god do I wish there is someone out there who would hold my hand in my good and in my bad.
Be grateful for the person sitting next to you through out your journey. Be grateful for the people who would always be there when you drop a tear on your face. Be grateful for the people that hold your hand and could see how fragile you are. Not so often people in the world have someone who would stand next to you without a single drop of a feeling to give up on you. Once you have someone who would stand still do what you got to do and be sure to do the same to the one person next to you. You just don’t know how it feels to stand on the battle field all by yourself over and over unless you can turn yourself into a fighter, a pure survivor in one day. I even believe every single fighter in the world wanted a place, a one person they could call home.
