naked.. force to undress..

This weekend was unique, a particular weekend that I haven’t experienced for quite a long time now. I had some of my space. I always believe people in need of their own space once and a while without a reason in particular. People are in need of a room to breath. But sometimes society demands differently. Sometimes it is just a taboo thing to have your own territory. Somehow it is demand for everything to have a concrete reason instead of believing it is just a will we need to fulfill. Do we always need a reason? why everything has to have a story?

Sometimes without us noticing, we are actually walking naked or using too many layers of stories. Either we are demand to take off all those stories by people around us -coz it is one of the rules to be part of a society we live in- or either we know that particular stories are unusual things to share that we have to use it as whole new layers on top of our skin. I thought the choices in life supposed to be ours alone but, by the end of the day we all did what the society demands unconsciously. There is always something right and wrong, that is what they say and they are the one to judge. 

Then I started to wonder do we all have to live life blindfolded and naked coz people were always in the mood to know or should we walk with so many layers and knowing that we are actually not brave enough to fight and argue with the people who are actually walking in our turf? is there anyway we could have our own rules instead of trying to follow the society just to avoid judgement?

A lost Zebra in a Herd

One of the things that you have to do in life is to adapt. You come in to a new school you adapt, new office you adapt, new house, meet new people and so on and so forth. However, sometimes you just feel things don’t work. If things just don’t work as YOU plan or hope or feel should you just give up or keep on trying to adapt until you fit for some of it?

For me one of the though thing in adapting issue form is to check list couldn't adapt in my new home. It felt weird sometimes. You live in a house. You live there let’s say with your friends, 5 or maybe 2 of your friends. You get a long in live. You get a long pretty well. But when you live together in a house you see more of them. You knew them more than you used too. You observed their habits. You tried to learn their likes, their dislikes. You observe more how they dress, how they react, how they tend to answer your thoughts and so on. But, there are times when things seem not clicking. Then I started to wonder, should we just give up? Or just suck it all in? Or just hope for the best that things will work out someday?

For me home have to be a home. By the meaning home is that you feel comfortable and you can't wait to come in to the place you called home when you are outside. Anywhere it is, when you have your own area and you live in it has to feel like home. In one way you want to act like yourself in your own house, do the things that you just enjoy at a place you called home.

I know it sounds selfish, I live with others who probably have their own problems with this home not being a home for them as well. But somehow I could see them act like they do love to be in the house. They gave the relieve look as they came through our front door. Why could they manage and I just could not?

It seems my friends manage to do what they like to do in the house. I see them managing to find what they love in the house. Somehow for me, I find it hard to find my “comfort zone”. I felt guilty sometimes to stay in my room the whole day. I felt guilty when I didn’t have a chance to clean the house or even cook before my roommates come. Then I ask myself, is it me?

Sometimes I feel like a drop of oil in a bottle of water. I just don’t mix, the conversation and all seems to be clashing and collapsing all over the place. If I could just see my home as a bowl of salad, me and my friends will be a great mix just need to add salt and pepper we will live happily ever after (supposedly). But for me, i see it as if we are in a relationship and we are living together we will be separating things by now. But then again I realize, it’s not about my friends whom I living with. It’s me and myself trying to feel comfortable.

Now I see my self as a person who can’t live in a group in the same time I can’t be out of the group. If I live in a herd of zebras I prefer to be in the back line instead of in the middle of the herd or not even in the front-line to lead. I will love to have the companion, in the same time I don’t want to be followed or observed from the back. I prefer I am the one who observing without being bothered that someone is following or will be complaining. But, if I ever will be a lost zebra I don’t think I’ll manage for it. 

I ask my self what do I want? is it that difficult to adapt? Or am I seeing things far too complicated? How do I make home a sweet home?

Dark Blank Canvas

I am not a person who could easily adapt. I am not a person who could easily feel comfortable.  I am not a person who is competitive. I am a person who used into hiding. I am not a brave person. I am neither intelligent nor talented. I am not an extrovert. I am neither independent nor could live in a group. I am a blank dark canvas.

My words are as complicated as a riddle. My thoughts are as difficult as a puzzle.  I hope that complicated thing could give me at least another dark color on me, but yet I still look at the mirror as a blank dark canvas. I started to wonder, how to put at least one color at such a dark canvas. I would put white on me, as there is no other color in the world could be used. But then again white is not a color. It is another blank thing to cover my dark color. I ask my self yet again, could I start to wear a white mask just to put color on me? No, I don’t want to wear a blank mask on me.I am searching a real color to be painted on me. Then again, I am blank as it is. I am complicated as it is.

People always say that our life is not as complicated as it is. That there are many people’s life more complicated than ours. But for me those terms just don’t help. I know it should have. Sometimes that kind of force of term made my color faded. Sometimes we need another kind of support. Sometimes we need someone else's understanding just to find a new color in life. 

I love my life in one way, but somehow the other part is just not as beautiful as you expect. Yes life is never that perfect, but don’t you just ever ask how can you reach at least close to perfect?

 

 

do you have the respect?

You went to a restaurant. A servant comes to you and ask you nicely what would you like to order. You give your order and all. Your food came after half hour waiting and you started to complain. You even gave the stare to the servant that is delivering your orders. They apologize for the late coming. but then again you complain and you avoid for coming back to the restaurant and decided not to give them the extra tips. Do you think that is a wise thing to do?

I am sorry after i think and think about it i have to say that is a bad thing to do. do you think that being a chef and a waiter is easy? do you think that they do it on purpose? Do you think that because you have the money and you pay for the food you can act like that? it is not like they throw the food on top of the table. 

what is the different with you buying all the ingredients and you waited for your friend to cook from scratch and it needs 2 hours to cook. are you gonna give them the stare too? it is the food that you pay and someone else cooks for you and serve it for you so what is the difference? are you gonna complain too? just because the waiter or chef is not your friend are you gonna treat them as they are not human beings that tried to make you happy? 

Sometimes being a nice person is not enough. Sometimes being a patient person is not enough. Sometimes being a smart person is not enough. Sometimes being a rich person is not enough.

Life. Being patient is not enough when there is no one that supports your back as you are supporting people around you. Being nice is not enough when there is no one that appreciates such nice things you have done for them. Being smart is not enough when people don’t appreciate what you have invented, nor the information you gave others. Being smart is not enough when people ask you and you act like you knew everything and you see people, as they are so stupid and low cause they just don’t know what you know. Being a rich person is not enough when you cannot spend your money for the people who needs it and for those people actually support you and you see them for granted. Most people are blind for what other people have done for them, especially those that are not your family members. Sometimes we see things that are far than the ones that are right in front of your nose.

Are you those people? Do you feel like you are forgetting some people in your life that is being nice to you and you treat them for granted? Do you feel like you are one of those success people, smart and all and you see other people that is close to you for granted?