Change..

I haven’t been writing for ages. Yes ages. I have been reading my last posts and I notice the changes on how I write and how I see things in life. I was chatting with an old friend of mine days ago. I did notice the changes on how we talk, the topics that we talk about and I notice the distance that we have but we kept on talking. I talked with my mother and brother and again I notice the changes. Yes, changes. So here I am writing and trying to understand changes.

We all know that changes occur in life. We change, the world change everything changes. It may happen in a second, it may happen in a day or two or even in a year of time. But we all notice that things could change. But one thing I also know is some of us deny changes to happen and one of them will be me. That my dear friends made me wonder why do we change? Could we actually accept changes? How far could we live with changes? Did I change?

Yes, we all change. I was watching a movie the other night and it also talk about changes. And I notice from that particular movie that changes were caused by growing up, us growing up and having life of our own. We built our career; we try to build our love life while in the same time trying to hold on to what we got from the past. As we all try to build our life we all change. At least that’s what I think why we all change. We adapt to our new state of mind, our new life and our new habit. We all turn more complicated than we used to. Don’t we all agree that our life now is so much more complicated than our life back in high school?

Yes, we grew. Our body grows and we buy new cloths that fit. So we change our style and we change our size. Adapting to what our body made us do is way more easier and more logical of course, than adapting to our mind and heart which, sometime they have their own fights inside our body like we have been growing with someone else inside us that kept and keep on fighting every time they can. But that is just what are on the table my friends. We could all simplify on how we think. We grew and we all change. But then again I started to wonder how far could we live with changes? How far is it ok for us to change?

Life may have no limits they say. People even believe climb the highest mountain even now people even reach the moon and even reach the furthest planet we ever known. Well hello Pluto. But as we reach Pluto a question will pop is there someone or something live there? Can we human actually live there? No one knows yet. But in my opinion life should have a limit. There is a limit on how far could we change and should change. We all have our own capacity right? Even a tank will over flow with water if we keep on filling it up. Should we allow our self-being to change? The answer is of course. But how far could we handle the changes? How far are we willing to let us change?

We are selfish creatures. We will give our self the green light to climb the highest mountain, to fly and have the privileged to land on the moon. How many mountains should we climb until we stop. Different Mountain gave us different changes towards a different experience, a different life story and result a different us. Should we be scared of it? Maybe we should be scared of the changes we made towards our self. But the again we are selfish creature. As we change I started to wonder how many of us even care how many people we hurt, how many people do we actually neglected as we change? Are we that selfish?

As people made changes we notice and we feel we have to catch up. As we are running towards the same cliff, we forgot that we also change and we torture others as we it happened. This is another chain in life that we made. Could we bound our self from the changing ?

Here I am going around and around with my own thoughts. Bad old habit I guess. Trying to balance my thoughts and heart but yeah sometime I do wonder will it ever meet in an agreements. And the answer is probably never. But can I deny my changes? Should I reject all the changes that are happening around me?

After my doodle above and reading it over and over again this is what I got. I’m one of those who reject changes. I got to admit that I am one of those who hate the changes that have been happening around me and to me. As the world change I adapt as someone else and as I change the world changes with me it is hard to keep up and be stable. Everything seems to move so fast. But then again I got to have a peace of mind at some point and that will achieved probably by learning to accept changes instead of asking why. What we all need to remember is that the only things that I know will stop us from uncontrollable changes are our love ones. We just have to open our minds and heart to notice that we have people who are close enough and have the impact on any changes that we made. Changes may be scary for us. And of course we all are allowed to be scared. But one thing I will always keep in mind is to make sure that I don’t hurt the ones that I love and hopefully love me back to even care. Changing in a wiser way. Well at least that is I. That is who I am. Besides in each changes we made we still have the real us inside. There must be some part of us that is still and will always be the same. But the again I started to wonder, as I care enough to change with dignity and care towards the one I claim to love, will they ever care enough to change with a care and love towards me?

Now I know that what scares me the most and that is what I have hated the most, changes from the ones that I love. Yes, the fear that I have to face, but then again the question remains, will they? I wish they will, but none have proved so.

don't you just love it ..

Enjoy !
Originally uploaded by Julie Grath

yum yum

from me to you..

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

...

I’ve always been haunted by the memories of us. One of the hardest things for me was watching you walk away. They may be able to never hurt you like I did, but they will never love you like I still do. If anything, I promise you that.

a mirror.. a question to my self..

ow yes! true story..

by — Nicholas Sparks

Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.

Diemen, 19 March 2010, 1:55 A.M

My words and my stories is all that I have left. Writing is all I have left. Tonight is another silent night. Home alone. No one to talk to and no one that I could even ask how their day was. No one special to share my day with. All I have is just me and my cat. Anyways, as the evening sky turn darker and the wind blow stronger, I wished to the wind to take my mellow mood away. I decided to write my day and my thoughts instead, since there is no one to talk to. But I’ll talk to you. Yes, you who ever you are the one that is reading this piece and thank you for reading. This is the first time I shared my day in an obvious way. So I hope you can read through it and I really appreciate it. Big love to you and keep on reading my next entries.

Human. No wonder human is called a social being. It is a fact we can’t live by ourselves. We need someone else to be part of our life. Be grateful if you have a person to share your day with. Don’t think that I am an unsocial kind because I’m talking about this. I do have friends. I have people to talk to –supposedly-. But yeah life do change. It seem the older we get, we have different priority in life. People have jobs; people have their priorities that they spend most of their times with. Mine is my dissertation proposal. Yes, that is what I'm currently busiest with. Supposedly. Not something that I can talk about now or even want to talk about. I’ve been taking care of it for the whole day. I guess it will be nice not to talk about it here, don’t you agree?

Anyways letting someone know how my day was or share my day with is a necessity for me. Why? Because we are human. By the end what ever you feel, you will feel the urge to share it. Either by telling, debating about it or even just to have someone sit next to you in silent. But how do you share it and with whom, will all depends on how the heart and brain wish you to do it with and how. A right and comfortable company. By the end it all depends on you. Yes we need someone. We need another person to relate to.

Once you had a bad day you intend to search for someone even more. Either to talk or someone who you wish could make you smile and tell you your day is not that bad and that you are not alone. Someone your heart feels comfortable with. A nice statement just to give you comfort. In this kind of day I wish for that the most. Yes finding someone to understand the burden in your heart is not easy. You need someone that you can feel comfortable with. You need someone that your heart feels warmth. Someone who knows you well. There is always a certain someone or a certain amount that you are willing to share. Everything should be right in order to open the gate of waste in your heart. But in these busy days or also known as workdays, I don't have that option. I don’t have the guts to bother someone’s life while they have more important things to do and ask them to talk to me instead. No I’m not that kind of person who could do so. So I swallow this day whole and I spill it here. haha

But to be honest, most of the times I really don’t mind being alone. I used to enjoy my time alone. I could stay in my room for weeks and only come out to the grocery store, the city once and a while just to buy a cup of coffee in the station and/or school. My Indonesian friends, well most of them went back for good to Indonesia and the ones left are the ones that got a job to think about on day time and rest in silence on the evening. So back to me alone. Yeah so all I can do is find something to distract my self on daytime and figure something fun in the evening. Celebrate my days by walking around to the city when the sun is shinning with enough money for a cup of coffee and stay inside the house when the sky is gray. Watching people in the city is one of the things that could cheer me up. Knowing that I’m not alone.

But here is the general idea of what happen today.

Somehow today it didn’t went well. My heart ache, my tooth aches and my head ache. I have acid in my belly for almost a week now and it’s not getting any better. All I want to do today was lie on my bed, which It is not an option to do for now. School stuffs come first. As I’m powering through school obligation issue, my laptop starts to acting up. The Microsoft word won’t work. It suddenly shut down on me and all those things that I wrote just magically vanish. All I can do is hold my breath as it happened and try to re-open the software. But all I got is another rejection from my Microsoft word. My jaw drop. What I typed for hours just flew out of the window. Run free I’ll never see it again. Unless my word work and me typing it all back. Stupid me for not saving it. so clumsy of me like always. Well at least it is not all gone. I thank god for Bill Gates inventing the auto save. So I have some parts rescued. I hope. All I need is this word thing to work. Even now I can’t opened it. So I decided to write my story instead. I always write my blog in word and I copied it to my blog pages. But I guess I don’t have any option for today. So I just go ahead and write in this blog page. So I apologize for the grammar or misspelling that I do.

So that is just some part of my day. Not as bad as I thought after I read it. It is only a bump on the road. I can get through of it of course. I just feel like writing actually. I just feel like talking about it somehow. I actually wish to laugh about it. But yeah what is wishful thinking if it is all in the past. What had happen, happened and what is done, well it is done. I guess it s caused by not having anyone to talk to today. All I want is to tell what kind of day that I had and that’s it. This blog doesn’t have any specific story like I used to write or a hidden message in it. It is just a story of today. I need to spill it out. I’m sorry I can’t take it. It’s just too much lately. I had a half-week full of drama already. I just have to spill the a light rain to the world to release the some weight in my heart and brain. Sound selfish but hey it’s my blog and I’m human I guess I am entitled and have the right to write whatever and it shouldn’t matter how long it is as well.. haha. Well hope you all enjoy me mocking my Thursday. Wish me a better day tomorrow. Hope the stars are all align for me tomorrow. A brighter day and a brighter heart and enjoy my day with a smile even though I’ll be walking through my day alone.

Thank you for reading my day. Stay tune. Tomorrow story will be better. At least it won’t be this personal. A riddle to someone special will be included I think. Well will just see how the day go tomorrow. I hope it will be fun. Nity nite readers.

Tonight..

Swallow it whole and smile.. -me-

To the ladies..

I was browsing on the net and I found this.. I couldn't agree even more to this short note.. This is dedicated to the ladies in search..

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"....

Yes this kind of man is worth the wait..

Quotation #2 today..

"The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs."

-Unknown-

Quotation #1 today

"So u said u loved me many times. Well here's a tip - stop saying it, prove it....& I might just sit up & listen. "

(The Love Stories)

My traffic controller..

The urge to write today is high. There are so many stories, question, feelings that are rumbling, crashing in my brain. I need to reboot. I need to sort things out. I need to stand up and start walking. Little by little. I promise I wont run.

This chamber of thought is going to explode. The sun is shinning today, as my music play list offers me soundtrack to boost my mood of sadness and happiness that have been tangled for quite sometime, Therefore I am writing few stories in one time. Cool huh? Yes that means I am switching from one pages to another. Life has to get better soon. I have to return to my dear old self. I am currently practicing again to juggle few balls at one time. Yes by that, I mean writing few stories in one time. I need to rearrange my thoughts and shunt away the clouds upon my instinct and believes. I need a traffic controller for my mind. I wonder who is the best candidate for this job? Well of course the answer will always be my mom.

Mother. When I was young or even now I’m running on my 25^th year treadmill, she will always be my best traffic controller for my thoughts. I could just spill all my thoughts to the only bowl full of love in this world. She would listen, she would comment, she would piss me off, and she will lead my way. She will help me to sort out and strengthen my decisions and me. The only tower that know and watches me, where I’m heading, which destination should I go to and even which stops is available in case of emergencies. It doesn’t mean that she wants me to do this and that and have to do this and that. She just led me the way. She just gives me her hands whenever I’m lost on my own way in life. The soothing voice, the generous laughs, the warm heart even when she is million miles away. The place where I could just cry for my stupidity, scream for help and never be judged.

Sometimes in life we have many things to deal with that it all got cluttered in your mind. You got confused which should be done coz the heart expect “A” to be mend and the thoughts know that “B” should be priority, but the again our selfishness wants “C” to be dealt. Yes the argument inside your own self. By the time everything is cluttered I pick up my phone, dial the only number that I know will always be available for my aid 24 hours a day. My 911. My mother, the traffic controller for my cluttered mind.

Thank you mom, for always being there for me and listens to my crappy life day by day. Thank you for today solutions, “just write all of your thoughts even though no one will understands”, she said and I couldn’t agree more. Coz that is exactly what I’m doing just now. But then I couldn’t just leave this blog like this. I couldn’t help but wonder, who is your traffic controller in life?

so you know..

Dear Eastern Star,

Forgive me for what I’ve done. Forgive me for making your light so dim. Forgive me for making the night so dark. You have been through a lot and I should have held your hands back then. I should have been strong and protect you from harm and make you shine. Forgive me my heart I wound you so bad. Those wounds I made. I made you bleed till hate. I dig my own grave. It doesn’t matter. I wish I could find a cure for you. But I will keep on searching for a heal. Apparently you found your own healer. I smile upon my grief. It is a joy to see you shine again. It is a joy to see laugh and smile. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all my darkness. Forgive me for everything. I’m apologizing for not helping you to heal the wound that I made. I should have been better.

Thank you for making me realized how much that I’ve badly changed. Thank you for making me realize of my mistakes and realizing I shouldn’t have hurt anyone that much. I regret for what I did and I thank god for giving me time to redeem myself. I know I’ll be better I know I’ll learn. I did learn. Thank you, you taught me honesty. Thank you for making me realized I loose myself back then. Thank you for making me noticed myself. Thank you for you gave me the reality that I should not let my self to be pulled so deep into the dark. Never notice I was so deep in the dark. Now I am returning to my real path, my real self, my true self. Thank you for reminding me how strong I am. Thank you for you taught me to live my life better. Thank you for holding me each time I fall. I’ll try my best to learn how to stand on my own. Thank you for you taught me to take care of myself whenever you are away. It became very useful nowadays. Thank you, for you taught me how to spend my days better. Thank you, you had gave me such a wonderful home. It was a comfort that I had never known and it will always be. Your heart is so pure dear eastern star and your light is so bright. Thank you, for you introduced me how it feels to love truly. Thank you for letting me feel loved and cared unconditionally. Thank you, for you taught me how to cry and be grateful for each tear. Thank your for taking care of me. Thank you for holding my hands throughout my days. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for lighting my days, even on a beautiful days you can make it a brighter day. Thank you for all the laughter. Thank you for all the fun, joy and crazy things I never could imagine doing. Thank you, for you taught me how to read, books became a true friend of mine and reading signs in life leads my way. Thank you, you taught me to never give up even on my darkest days, keep my heads up. Thank you for always being such a wonderful man and for your believes in me. Thank you, for you taught me how to forgive. Thank you, for you made me realize that I can write with my heart. Thank you for so many things, I couldn’t write it all. I feel grateful coz if it’s not because of you, my life wouldn’t became what I have today. I couldn’t ask for a better heart then you.

I am grateful for the beautiful times you have given me. I am grateful for each days, even seconds of it. I am grateful for everything you thought me. I am grateful for every single butterflies and every single heartbeat. I am grateful for you are always have been there for me. I am grateful for making me believe and see life from much beautiful side. I am grateful to god for the chances and brought you to my life for god knows how long. I am grateful you taught me how to live my life and learn from you how to map my life better. I am grateful, for you taught me how to fly. I am looking forward for my wings to actually flap.

I never could say it enough, I apologize for what I’ve done and thank you for everything I am very grateful for having you in my life. You are the only star that can shine so bright.

You will always be a part of me.

Love always,

- Kay -

I'm Sailing To ...

"Come come come my secrets, let us reveal ourselves". That is what I said to my thoughts today. People say some could write better when their heart is broken or they are in love and someone told me that I wrote better when I am feeling down. What I said to myself is that I write better when I actually feel something that I could recognize and scan the feelings I have. Why do I feel this way? Who is the one I’m thinking of? What do I want to know? What do I want to share? In other words I could write when the feelings are clear. Yes like I said on my previous blog. The pureness of the stories was filtered. The real and pure ones are in my diary. But still, this story is me.

Here I am starting all over again. Hope this one will pan out. I sailed in my boat for almost years now. I wrecked the ship. I wrecked our ship. I am still sailing in this ship and still in the same ocean. I am trying to dock my ship back to the harbor. Don’t be alarm don’t be scared. I won’t force my ship to dock. But, I won’t also give up.

I am still in the middle of nowhere right now. Even the seagulls don’t fly by. I couldn’t see the harbor just now. But I will keep on sailing. Before I sail, this ship should be repair. Till then I am releasing my anchors down, waiting for the sign to continue my voyage to you.

I notice the wind blow for its own reason. The storm that came is a natural event that I have to conquer and I will. Till then I believe you could see me in your radar. The radio works very well. You can contact me anytime you want anytime you need. And when the radio is off for a week or two. I will listen to the wind carefully just incase you need me.

Why am I here? Coz I believe fairy tales ends with a happy ending. I believe that life could be better and I believe on the ship and the harbor. I believe in the storm and surviving it. I believe in life and all its stories. I believe in us and always will. Is my head over the clouds? Nope I know it's not. My head is where it should be. Coz what human don’t realize is that as scary the journey of life is , anything could happen and everything could change and miracles do exist. I believe our miracles will never ends. For now, all I can do is try and let faith and wind take me to you. Hopefully I’ll navigate this ship right.

But then I started to wonder. I am a believer of our fairytale, but are you still a believer too?

I believe in fairy tale..

I never believe in fairytales, until I found you. I lost my believe somewhere along the way. But I’m on my way in finding myself and I found my believes’ back.

Fairytale has its own climax in its story. They have their own ways of telling their tales. It never was a romantic love movie. It is its own kind and I believe that fairytale fills with miracles and ends with a happy ending. Our story is not over, this is not the end. We create our own ending, and we believe our own stories. This is our fairytale this is our story. As long as the world keeps on spinning and both of us still breathing, it’s not the end. I believe on our happy ending and I believe in you and me. This is just an end of a chapter in our own book, and we will start the next in our own time.

my diary and my filtered version of it..

If in the past people write letters for their someone special, have a pigeon to sent the letter with no guarantee that the mail will reach its destination, then we are the lucky generations. We have Internet to do the trick, webcams, we have tracker for packages, we have phones, we have SMS and now we have BBM. See so many alternatives to reach your love ones. Yes, Sometimes we feel it’s more sentimental, more honest, more special to write the words on how precious he or she is and what you actually hope for or even feel and be sure they receive the little pieces of your heart you just send, Instead of saying it out loud. Just a private message for the him or her.

There is also a time where you just want to have, the chance and courage to tell your deepest feeling but you just don’t have the strength or unsure if it is the right thing to do. Sometimes you want to open the content of your heart to that special one. Yes honesty regarding love is hard. In the old days those messages was hidden in a diary or even ones heart instead of being revealed, exposed to the person. But now it is amazingly out in the open or at least we have an alternative to do so, a tool to be honest.

Hmm diary, a rectangular thing with pages and pages of how you feel, that rectangular shape thing with pages is known as a book. The valuable diary is a bowl to pour your solitude, gratitude, and the memory of each of your days. Where words by words are more personal, where you pour all your heart into it through your hands that moves without you thinking of what you’re going to write just keep on writing what you actually feel. Freedom. Liberty for the heart and mind to reveal its deepest secrets, regrets, love stories, your thoughts, your stupidity. Place where the secret is sacred and safe. A bowl where you don't have to filter on what you write. You just write and write and write some more. It’s a copy of your heart and mind, it could be a crime scene where the battle of the heart and mind is exposed and saved for future records. You expose the names, the time, the concrete stories, the feeling and detailed stories as far as you can remember. You wrote how you feel just how you feel in that book even the most stupid thoughts and wishes you have in the back of your mind. One of the mediums to write without fear of people will know, judge, debate or even gossip about what ever you think, want and feel. The book of anger, love, hate, joy, and even sadness. The secret of ones heart. The secret book that some even brings it to where ever they went and guards them with their life for it is a copy of ones heart and mind.

As time went by people fears towards revealing their life is getting less and less. They start to ignore what people actually think or how will people feel after reading the short version of your day. This is where the diary evolves into a blog and now there is also twitter where it is basically your journal or diary of thoughts, information, feelings all mash up in 3 sentences or sometimes even only a word. A pure shout of help, joy, tear or even breakdowns hoping that someone will come to congrats, support, notice or even sending a hug through words to calm oneself down.

Well well well the world did change. To be honest I still kept my personal diary back at home, sometimes it travels with me to where ever I go, in case I have the mood to write. Yes that book is precious and personal. It still is and it will always be. A symbol of my true love towards myself that I guard as best as I can. I still wrote on it whenever I couldn’t even hold my stories or feelings back. A book where I pour my pain or gratitude. An alternative friends when everything seems to choke, or I'm feeling to confused to detect what it is the "lump" in my heart telling me and there is no one, no place to go. A medium where I tell the truth. A medium that contains my confessions and my honesty. It is a book that only certain people in my life, the ones that I thought have the right to even touch the book will be able to read my days. Yes there is only one person in this world who has the key to my personal diary. One person only holds the key to my heart. Even my mother doesn’t have that kind of honor.

As the world evolves, here I start to write on my blog as well. It is a filtered version of my diary that contains my secret messages to certain someone, or to life or even to the readers. I doubt people could understand my blog though. Blog is actually made for people to tell general stories, information, jokes, stories where the readers could actually relate. Mine? Nope it is not something that is easy for people to relate to. For those who don’t know me, my blog is something they wouldn’t understand. Sometimes I even notice that people actually never really follow my stories. They couldn't even finish reading one. I don’t mind. My blog is the filtered version of my diary. My blog is my secret temple where people could come to know me and try to understand. If not I hoped at least certain people could.

My blog is my secrets, my feelings that I turn into stories, hid several hidden messages to secret someone. My blog contain my way of saying, my way of telling stories. My blog is me. My personalities. My blog is the messenger of my secrets. The things that I want that secret someone to know, to wonder, to question, to think, to know me, reveal my heart, a tool for me to share my days whenever that certain someone is not there around me. It is my way to hope I could reach or to share the tale to the star of my stories.

Actually I don’t have any purpose or exact point when I wrote this story but then I started to wonder, If my blog is my messenger to send my heart to certain someone, how do I actually know if he will ever understand or even receive the tiny bits of my heart right? How do I make sure my messages comes across safely and that he or she actually notices them?

hmmmff..ramble rumble mumble..

People believe that the only person that you can depend on is yourself. I know it’s true. Recently I’m juggling a thousand balls. Each week the world starts to throw a new ball at me. Now all I know everything is cluttered. I lost my rhythm. I lost my skills to juggle these balls up and down circling in the air. I wish I could find a way to do this. I think I know how. Yes I know how. But where do I start?

I never ever wanted to disappoint people around me. They cheered me up for my own good. They did their best. But where is my best? Why do i feel my best is never enough? I used to manage to keep things in order. I used to manage to keep everyone happy. Be there for them to talk to, to hug, to hand them a tissue and give them a support. But every single time I do what I wanted to do I end up disappointing myself caused by disappointing others. My decision for myself is most of the time out point. If I were to throw a ball to my future, I would miss the target for most of it. Once I hit on point -for what I thought it was for my sake- it ends up as a wrong decision for me and affect the others. People might say then don’t give a f**k what people say. Just keep on doing it, you’ll get a hold of it. Then again I keep thinking I can’t and people could. but one thing that I always wonder, they might say they care about me, by the end they could put themselves first. They just know when to save themselves first. But why can I?

All I know I’m starting from zero. Well I don’t have as bad luck as many people in the world. I know, I could survive. I know I will. But what I envy them the most is they do have someone to be there for them on their good and on their bad, 110% always on their side. I wish I had them. They know they have one person who will always pray for them every single day. I know that we have to finish our businesses on our own. But god do I wish there is someone out there who would hold my hand in my good and in my bad.

Be grateful for the person sitting next to you through out your journey. Be grateful for the people who would always be there when you drop a tear on your face. Be grateful for the people that hold your hand and could see how fragile you are. Not so often people in the world have someone who would stand next to you without a single drop of a feeling to give up on you. Once you have someone who would stand still do what you got to do and be sure to do the same to the one person next to you. You just don’t know how it feels to stand on the battle field all by yourself over and over unless you can turn yourself into a fighter, a pure survivor in one day. I even believe every single fighter in the world wanted a place, a one person they could call home.

my dear story, blood and poisonous heart.

I thought that I couldn’t fall deeper than before. The tunnel is getting deeper and deeper by the day. I thought I found my way out. Rising, crawling and searching my way out for a light of happiness. But somehow, this quick sand is dragging me deeper and deeper to the bottom. I wish I could breath. I wish I could find a way to hold on to maybe a black vine. My hand keeps on reaching hoping for something to come my way. Drag me to the surface something or someone. I need air I need light. This lethal poison is eating me day by day. Oh yes I wish I were strong. I wish god still hear my cries and prays. I wish someone will hold my hand and fight by my side. Help me I wanted to breath. I want to find my way out. I’m giving up. I’m cold. I’m surrendering my self to the darkness. What will come out of this life for me? As people started to walk. I’m crawling backwards. I’m giving up. Hold my hand please when you said you love me, dear thorn. Life is bitter as it is. I thought we are drinking the same poison, why am I sinking faster and you are reaching your way out. Why am I still here as you found your way out?

Dear blood you are bringing your own sun to warm you, instead of taking me with you. Dear poisonous blood, as my heart explodes will you be far away from here without remembering what I told you. Forgetting what I’m going through. Will you just walk away with an excuse that you did this for me. I can’t see which part of this is mine. Which part except hoping me to be strong for you, being there for you, holding your hand and protecting you from the evil faces are any advantages of mine except it is all my sacrifice for your arrogant life.

Am I looking at this flat surface as a maze? Or is it true my life is tangled? Am I making my life difficult? What should I actually feel? What should I actually do? All I see are puzzles, riddles, questions and pieces. I keep pouring my sacrifices, keeping me deeper and deeper in the room without oxygen. I cry below and I cry above. Which path should I follow? I’m getting lost in my own mistakes, sacrifices, decisions, illusions and heart. I am swallowed deeper and deeper in my own heart. I need you my poison. I need you to hold my hand. I need you to breath air and give me some sun light. Life is getting colder and colder each day. I need warmth. I need to be safe. I need a way out.

The curtain is closing. Everything is getting darker and darker my dear story. Everything seems out of my reach. One day my song will be sung and I’ll find my way to stand. I know I will. When I do, I’ll make sure you are with me, dear story. Coz you’ll remind me of my 20 darkest times. When I breathe light and when I touch the sun I will be thankful and grateful for the strength I have. Not because of you dear wound, but it’s all because I can.

Dear Winter

I was in my room as I found a pile of letters. The letters were hidden deep inside a heart. It was pretty dark in there. As Icicle sang in my ears I read the first one and it was a letter to winter.

Dear winter,

I guess I miss your sight starting this year.

Here I am who used to be a light switch myself into dark. I’m still avoiding from opening a new book and holding yours instead. My dear winter I am still here in fall. Last summer burns still mark clearly on my skin. Hoping your white sight reach me. But I guess I blame my choice of country.

My days here are still showered with rain; scared to open my eyes hating the fact that I made you shut your door. My wings are broken, I was hoping I could flew there. But, the healer could not heal the wings that are broken on time. The clouds are getting thicker and thicker here. Loneliness is palpable I might say. But I know I have to stand on whatever fall throws me in with. So, here I am still sitting on the Saturn’s Ring watching the orbital ball where we used to live in.

The year asks me if I would agree to play the role of a stranger instead for later this month till who knows when I'm going to retire. I agree to learn starting now. So here I am still in a search for a drop of strength, a costume or mask to wear. I know it’s the only part that I am entitled of in a world that I am not a part of anymore. I believe it is the only way I could be close to you.

The blue diamond that you gave me still accompanying me through my days. I’m still hoping on the blue diamond to blow away the dark clouds. Because there is a scar I can’t cure and i'm hoping the clouds would at least cover it. I am avoiding my blood spoiling your new pages you know.

Your colored white pages.

Your beautiful new book.

I will be coming later in the end of the season I think. I'm hoping my blood wont spoil your book by then.

But, I am doing just fine. I want to apologize for my thunder, if you feel it's bothering you, just walk on and ignore me as you have done in this new book that you have started.

This is the season to start a clean slate I heard. People around believe on a new hope and I believe you have started yours.

Luna told me you have turned the other part of the world white. Your new life has begun indeed. You promise the silver dressed girl to start in the fourth beginning of this year. Yes, Venus whisper to me on a rainy Thursday that there is a silver flake girl here that will turn into an angel soon. She will be your new butterfly in spring as I predict. She is healing your wound little by little I feel. Yes, She is preparing to bloom in your spring indeed. Tell the Butterfly I won’t be bothering her part. She doesn’t have to worry. I am aware of my place. I am aware of my place on the other side of your door. I read the sign closed clearly. But I will always be here if you need me. I will watch your season change in silent. Don’t you worry I will be waiting for the blue seed to dry and so that your new church bell could ring. I will watch in silent as the white doves flies free in the end of your new book and I’ll congratulate you with a smile by then, I hope.

I heard she is a rose in a lily field. She could show you the warm of winter. I know you won’t fade into the mist. She will run like a fire dust a pure shed of lightning to save you. Her laughter is a pure song that you can sing. I wish you well dear winter. I will be here watching from a far as I promise, as you change from a winter to spring and bloom in colorful summer where the scar will fade as you have found your light.

With this letter I hope the new sun suites you well and for the beautiful stardust to come sooner than she had promised. She will repair your life with white hope I see. Trust me I won’t come into your way coz I will be here surrendering my self to time to grow up and face the dark fall hoping my clean slate to come somewhere next winter. Remember that I am here; I will always be on the other side of the door if you need me.

With love,

Ribbons undone.