Somewhere in this night I had a dream. I dream about my dad. As I sat and start to type, I sail to some part of my childhood memories. On every memory stone I step my tears falls. I miss my daddy.
I remember how he force me to jump into the water since I’m so afraid to learn how to swim, I remember how we use to sit on the couch in front of our TV and just sit there in silence enjoy each other companies. I miss watching him switch off my bedroom light at night. I miss pretending to sleep so he will carry me to my room. I miss every single little thing that he used to do. I know I’m a big girl now and it is time for me to stand on my own. Bottom line, I used to be really close with my father. For some reason, for some tragedy, a distance started to grow between us. I won’t lie; sometimes I even try to avoid him. But, being far a way from home and having less time to spend with my family make me think, how precious family could be.
I realize I have been far away from home for quite some time now. Well actually long enough than I could expect. Never thought I will succeed to be far away from home this long. Frankly these 2 1/2 years, sails by so fast that I felt like I barely sailed in it. I do have some jealousy to some of my friends that are so lucky to be very close with their father and still till now. I started to glaze to my past as I remembered I was my daddy spoiled little girl. What did happen till it turns to this dry bond? Well the reason is something I could not reveal. Anyways, since that point of turn, our distance are getting wider and wider. We are getting far away from each other.
I may come home for holidays. I still have the tight bond with my mother and little brother. However, it seems my “father and daughter” bond has loosen that it is so hard to tighten. We barely talk, we barely meet, we just talk as short as possible, sometimes it always result an argument, we never catch up like we used to. And to be honest it breaks my heart. It feels empty for so long. Never thought that the bond we used to have, just disappeared into thin air.
In this minute I wonder, what can a daughter in a far away land to build a bridge on the gap with a father that lives miles and miles away? Where should I start? How can I make him be part of my life like he used to be?I miss him.
Every time I looked at him. It seems I have the body but I don’t have the attention. I do hear his voice but I don’t feel the warmth. I miss him laughing in the conversation we are having. I miss him yelling at me and it made me cry in the middle of the night. I miss him freaked me at night, coz I heared his footsteps to my room while I sneaked for a cigarette. I know I had been a bad daughter, but my love for him is true.
He may be hard as a rock, his care may for certain something, his attention may for someone else, but I do learn many things from him. He is my dear daddy. He is one of those people who made me a girl I am now. He is this man in my live that teach me how to be strong. He taught me to stand on my own. He is a man that taught me dignity as a person; try to be appreciated by every people in my life. He is the man that used to remind me to smile in every obstacle in life and learn from it. He may make a big mistake but deep down I couldn’t deny the anger that I have could be beaten by the love I have. Coz I know deep down inside him, every single of mistake that I make I’m always my daddy little girl.
This blog may be vague to some. For some people who know how my life flow should know what I meant in every single word that I scratch in this page. All that I want to say is, I miss him. I know I can just pick up the phone and start to dial. But, I am wishing I will be able to bring the bond back. I know I could. I know I will, coz I’m still and always be my daddy little girl.
