don't you just love it ..

Enjoy !
Originally uploaded by Julie Grath

yum yum

from me to you..

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

...

I’ve always been haunted by the memories of us. One of the hardest things for me was watching you walk away. They may be able to never hurt you like I did, but they will never love you like I still do. If anything, I promise you that.

a mirror.. a question to my self..

ow yes! true story..

by — Nicholas Sparks

Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.

Diemen, 19 March 2010, 1:55 A.M

My words and my stories is all that I have left. Writing is all I have left. Tonight is another silent night. Home alone. No one to talk to and no one that I could even ask how their day was. No one special to share my day with. All I have is just me and my cat. Anyways, as the evening sky turn darker and the wind blow stronger, I wished to the wind to take my mellow mood away. I decided to write my day and my thoughts instead, since there is no one to talk to. But I’ll talk to you. Yes, you who ever you are the one that is reading this piece and thank you for reading. This is the first time I shared my day in an obvious way. So I hope you can read through it and I really appreciate it. Big love to you and keep on reading my next entries.

Human. No wonder human is called a social being. It is a fact we can’t live by ourselves. We need someone else to be part of our life. Be grateful if you have a person to share your day with. Don’t think that I am an unsocial kind because I’m talking about this. I do have friends. I have people to talk to –supposedly-. But yeah life do change. It seem the older we get, we have different priority in life. People have jobs; people have their priorities that they spend most of their times with. Mine is my dissertation proposal. Yes, that is what I'm currently busiest with. Supposedly. Not something that I can talk about now or even want to talk about. I’ve been taking care of it for the whole day. I guess it will be nice not to talk about it here, don’t you agree?

Anyways letting someone know how my day was or share my day with is a necessity for me. Why? Because we are human. By the end what ever you feel, you will feel the urge to share it. Either by telling, debating about it or even just to have someone sit next to you in silent. But how do you share it and with whom, will all depends on how the heart and brain wish you to do it with and how. A right and comfortable company. By the end it all depends on you. Yes we need someone. We need another person to relate to.

Once you had a bad day you intend to search for someone even more. Either to talk or someone who you wish could make you smile and tell you your day is not that bad and that you are not alone. Someone your heart feels comfortable with. A nice statement just to give you comfort. In this kind of day I wish for that the most. Yes finding someone to understand the burden in your heart is not easy. You need someone that you can feel comfortable with. You need someone that your heart feels warmth. Someone who knows you well. There is always a certain someone or a certain amount that you are willing to share. Everything should be right in order to open the gate of waste in your heart. But in these busy days or also known as workdays, I don't have that option. I don’t have the guts to bother someone’s life while they have more important things to do and ask them to talk to me instead. No I’m not that kind of person who could do so. So I swallow this day whole and I spill it here. haha

But to be honest, most of the times I really don’t mind being alone. I used to enjoy my time alone. I could stay in my room for weeks and only come out to the grocery store, the city once and a while just to buy a cup of coffee in the station and/or school. My Indonesian friends, well most of them went back for good to Indonesia and the ones left are the ones that got a job to think about on day time and rest in silence on the evening. So back to me alone. Yeah so all I can do is find something to distract my self on daytime and figure something fun in the evening. Celebrate my days by walking around to the city when the sun is shinning with enough money for a cup of coffee and stay inside the house when the sky is gray. Watching people in the city is one of the things that could cheer me up. Knowing that I’m not alone.

But here is the general idea of what happen today.

Somehow today it didn’t went well. My heart ache, my tooth aches and my head ache. I have acid in my belly for almost a week now and it’s not getting any better. All I want to do today was lie on my bed, which It is not an option to do for now. School stuffs come first. As I’m powering through school obligation issue, my laptop starts to acting up. The Microsoft word won’t work. It suddenly shut down on me and all those things that I wrote just magically vanish. All I can do is hold my breath as it happened and try to re-open the software. But all I got is another rejection from my Microsoft word. My jaw drop. What I typed for hours just flew out of the window. Run free I’ll never see it again. Unless my word work and me typing it all back. Stupid me for not saving it. so clumsy of me like always. Well at least it is not all gone. I thank god for Bill Gates inventing the auto save. So I have some parts rescued. I hope. All I need is this word thing to work. Even now I can’t opened it. So I decided to write my story instead. I always write my blog in word and I copied it to my blog pages. But I guess I don’t have any option for today. So I just go ahead and write in this blog page. So I apologize for the grammar or misspelling that I do.

So that is just some part of my day. Not as bad as I thought after I read it. It is only a bump on the road. I can get through of it of course. I just feel like writing actually. I just feel like talking about it somehow. I actually wish to laugh about it. But yeah what is wishful thinking if it is all in the past. What had happen, happened and what is done, well it is done. I guess it s caused by not having anyone to talk to today. All I want is to tell what kind of day that I had and that’s it. This blog doesn’t have any specific story like I used to write or a hidden message in it. It is just a story of today. I need to spill it out. I’m sorry I can’t take it. It’s just too much lately. I had a half-week full of drama already. I just have to spill the a light rain to the world to release the some weight in my heart and brain. Sound selfish but hey it’s my blog and I’m human I guess I am entitled and have the right to write whatever and it shouldn’t matter how long it is as well.. haha. Well hope you all enjoy me mocking my Thursday. Wish me a better day tomorrow. Hope the stars are all align for me tomorrow. A brighter day and a brighter heart and enjoy my day with a smile even though I’ll be walking through my day alone.

Thank you for reading my day. Stay tune. Tomorrow story will be better. At least it won’t be this personal. A riddle to someone special will be included I think. Well will just see how the day go tomorrow. I hope it will be fun. Nity nite readers.

Tonight..

Swallow it whole and smile.. -me-

To the ladies..

I was browsing on the net and I found this.. I couldn't agree even more to this short note.. This is dedicated to the ladies in search..

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"....

Yes this kind of man is worth the wait..

Quotation #2 today..

"The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs."

-Unknown-

Quotation #1 today

"So u said u loved me many times. Well here's a tip - stop saying it, prove it....& I might just sit up & listen. "

(The Love Stories)

My traffic controller..

The urge to write today is high. There are so many stories, question, feelings that are rumbling, crashing in my brain. I need to reboot. I need to sort things out. I need to stand up and start walking. Little by little. I promise I wont run.

This chamber of thought is going to explode. The sun is shinning today, as my music play list offers me soundtrack to boost my mood of sadness and happiness that have been tangled for quite sometime, Therefore I am writing few stories in one time. Cool huh? Yes that means I am switching from one pages to another. Life has to get better soon. I have to return to my dear old self. I am currently practicing again to juggle few balls at one time. Yes by that, I mean writing few stories in one time. I need to rearrange my thoughts and shunt away the clouds upon my instinct and believes. I need a traffic controller for my mind. I wonder who is the best candidate for this job? Well of course the answer will always be my mom.

Mother. When I was young or even now I’m running on my 25^th year treadmill, she will always be my best traffic controller for my thoughts. I could just spill all my thoughts to the only bowl full of love in this world. She would listen, she would comment, she would piss me off, and she will lead my way. She will help me to sort out and strengthen my decisions and me. The only tower that know and watches me, where I’m heading, which destination should I go to and even which stops is available in case of emergencies. It doesn’t mean that she wants me to do this and that and have to do this and that. She just led me the way. She just gives me her hands whenever I’m lost on my own way in life. The soothing voice, the generous laughs, the warm heart even when she is million miles away. The place where I could just cry for my stupidity, scream for help and never be judged.

Sometimes in life we have many things to deal with that it all got cluttered in your mind. You got confused which should be done coz the heart expect “A” to be mend and the thoughts know that “B” should be priority, but the again our selfishness wants “C” to be dealt. Yes the argument inside your own self. By the time everything is cluttered I pick up my phone, dial the only number that I know will always be available for my aid 24 hours a day. My 911. My mother, the traffic controller for my cluttered mind.

Thank you mom, for always being there for me and listens to my crappy life day by day. Thank you for today solutions, “just write all of your thoughts even though no one will understands”, she said and I couldn’t agree more. Coz that is exactly what I’m doing just now. But then I couldn’t just leave this blog like this. I couldn’t help but wonder, who is your traffic controller in life?

so you know..

Dear Eastern Star,

Forgive me for what I’ve done. Forgive me for making your light so dim. Forgive me for making the night so dark. You have been through a lot and I should have held your hands back then. I should have been strong and protect you from harm and make you shine. Forgive me my heart I wound you so bad. Those wounds I made. I made you bleed till hate. I dig my own grave. It doesn’t matter. I wish I could find a cure for you. But I will keep on searching for a heal. Apparently you found your own healer. I smile upon my grief. It is a joy to see you shine again. It is a joy to see laugh and smile. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for all my darkness. Forgive me for everything. I’m apologizing for not helping you to heal the wound that I made. I should have been better.

Thank you for making me realized how much that I’ve badly changed. Thank you for making me realize of my mistakes and realizing I shouldn’t have hurt anyone that much. I regret for what I did and I thank god for giving me time to redeem myself. I know I’ll be better I know I’ll learn. I did learn. Thank you, you taught me honesty. Thank you for making me realized I loose myself back then. Thank you for making me noticed myself. Thank you for you gave me the reality that I should not let my self to be pulled so deep into the dark. Never notice I was so deep in the dark. Now I am returning to my real path, my real self, my true self. Thank you for reminding me how strong I am. Thank you for you taught me to live my life better. Thank you for holding me each time I fall. I’ll try my best to learn how to stand on my own. Thank you for you taught me to take care of myself whenever you are away. It became very useful nowadays. Thank you, for you taught me how to spend my days better. Thank you, you had gave me such a wonderful home. It was a comfort that I had never known and it will always be. Your heart is so pure dear eastern star and your light is so bright. Thank you, for you introduced me how it feels to love truly. Thank you for letting me feel loved and cared unconditionally. Thank you, for you taught me how to cry and be grateful for each tear. Thank your for taking care of me. Thank you for holding my hands throughout my days. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for lighting my days, even on a beautiful days you can make it a brighter day. Thank you for all the laughter. Thank you for all the fun, joy and crazy things I never could imagine doing. Thank you, for you taught me how to read, books became a true friend of mine and reading signs in life leads my way. Thank you, you taught me to never give up even on my darkest days, keep my heads up. Thank you for always being such a wonderful man and for your believes in me. Thank you, for you taught me how to forgive. Thank you, for you made me realize that I can write with my heart. Thank you for so many things, I couldn’t write it all. I feel grateful coz if it’s not because of you, my life wouldn’t became what I have today. I couldn’t ask for a better heart then you.

I am grateful for the beautiful times you have given me. I am grateful for each days, even seconds of it. I am grateful for everything you thought me. I am grateful for every single butterflies and every single heartbeat. I am grateful for you are always have been there for me. I am grateful for making me believe and see life from much beautiful side. I am grateful to god for the chances and brought you to my life for god knows how long. I am grateful you taught me how to live my life and learn from you how to map my life better. I am grateful, for you taught me how to fly. I am looking forward for my wings to actually flap.

I never could say it enough, I apologize for what I’ve done and thank you for everything I am very grateful for having you in my life. You are the only star that can shine so bright.

You will always be a part of me.

Love always,

- Kay -

I'm Sailing To ...

"Come come come my secrets, let us reveal ourselves". That is what I said to my thoughts today. People say some could write better when their heart is broken or they are in love and someone told me that I wrote better when I am feeling down. What I said to myself is that I write better when I actually feel something that I could recognize and scan the feelings I have. Why do I feel this way? Who is the one I’m thinking of? What do I want to know? What do I want to share? In other words I could write when the feelings are clear. Yes like I said on my previous blog. The pureness of the stories was filtered. The real and pure ones are in my diary. But still, this story is me.

Here I am starting all over again. Hope this one will pan out. I sailed in my boat for almost years now. I wrecked the ship. I wrecked our ship. I am still sailing in this ship and still in the same ocean. I am trying to dock my ship back to the harbor. Don’t be alarm don’t be scared. I won’t force my ship to dock. But, I won’t also give up.

I am still in the middle of nowhere right now. Even the seagulls don’t fly by. I couldn’t see the harbor just now. But I will keep on sailing. Before I sail, this ship should be repair. Till then I am releasing my anchors down, waiting for the sign to continue my voyage to you.

I notice the wind blow for its own reason. The storm that came is a natural event that I have to conquer and I will. Till then I believe you could see me in your radar. The radio works very well. You can contact me anytime you want anytime you need. And when the radio is off for a week or two. I will listen to the wind carefully just incase you need me.

Why am I here? Coz I believe fairy tales ends with a happy ending. I believe that life could be better and I believe on the ship and the harbor. I believe in the storm and surviving it. I believe in life and all its stories. I believe in us and always will. Is my head over the clouds? Nope I know it's not. My head is where it should be. Coz what human don’t realize is that as scary the journey of life is , anything could happen and everything could change and miracles do exist. I believe our miracles will never ends. For now, all I can do is try and let faith and wind take me to you. Hopefully I’ll navigate this ship right.

But then I started to wonder. I am a believer of our fairytale, but are you still a believer too?

I believe in fairy tale..

I never believe in fairytales, until I found you. I lost my believe somewhere along the way. But I’m on my way in finding myself and I found my believes’ back.

Fairytale has its own climax in its story. They have their own ways of telling their tales. It never was a romantic love movie. It is its own kind and I believe that fairytale fills with miracles and ends with a happy ending. Our story is not over, this is not the end. We create our own ending, and we believe our own stories. This is our fairytale this is our story. As long as the world keeps on spinning and both of us still breathing, it’s not the end. I believe on our happy ending and I believe in you and me. This is just an end of a chapter in our own book, and we will start the next in our own time.

my diary and my filtered version of it..

If in the past people write letters for their someone special, have a pigeon to sent the letter with no guarantee that the mail will reach its destination, then we are the lucky generations. We have Internet to do the trick, webcams, we have tracker for packages, we have phones, we have SMS and now we have BBM. See so many alternatives to reach your love ones. Yes, Sometimes we feel it’s more sentimental, more honest, more special to write the words on how precious he or she is and what you actually hope for or even feel and be sure they receive the little pieces of your heart you just send, Instead of saying it out loud. Just a private message for the him or her.

There is also a time where you just want to have, the chance and courage to tell your deepest feeling but you just don’t have the strength or unsure if it is the right thing to do. Sometimes you want to open the content of your heart to that special one. Yes honesty regarding love is hard. In the old days those messages was hidden in a diary or even ones heart instead of being revealed, exposed to the person. But now it is amazingly out in the open or at least we have an alternative to do so, a tool to be honest.

Hmm diary, a rectangular thing with pages and pages of how you feel, that rectangular shape thing with pages is known as a book. The valuable diary is a bowl to pour your solitude, gratitude, and the memory of each of your days. Where words by words are more personal, where you pour all your heart into it through your hands that moves without you thinking of what you’re going to write just keep on writing what you actually feel. Freedom. Liberty for the heart and mind to reveal its deepest secrets, regrets, love stories, your thoughts, your stupidity. Place where the secret is sacred and safe. A bowl where you don't have to filter on what you write. You just write and write and write some more. It’s a copy of your heart and mind, it could be a crime scene where the battle of the heart and mind is exposed and saved for future records. You expose the names, the time, the concrete stories, the feeling and detailed stories as far as you can remember. You wrote how you feel just how you feel in that book even the most stupid thoughts and wishes you have in the back of your mind. One of the mediums to write without fear of people will know, judge, debate or even gossip about what ever you think, want and feel. The book of anger, love, hate, joy, and even sadness. The secret of ones heart. The secret book that some even brings it to where ever they went and guards them with their life for it is a copy of ones heart and mind.

As time went by people fears towards revealing their life is getting less and less. They start to ignore what people actually think or how will people feel after reading the short version of your day. This is where the diary evolves into a blog and now there is also twitter where it is basically your journal or diary of thoughts, information, feelings all mash up in 3 sentences or sometimes even only a word. A pure shout of help, joy, tear or even breakdowns hoping that someone will come to congrats, support, notice or even sending a hug through words to calm oneself down.

Well well well the world did change. To be honest I still kept my personal diary back at home, sometimes it travels with me to where ever I go, in case I have the mood to write. Yes that book is precious and personal. It still is and it will always be. A symbol of my true love towards myself that I guard as best as I can. I still wrote on it whenever I couldn’t even hold my stories or feelings back. A book where I pour my pain or gratitude. An alternative friends when everything seems to choke, or I'm feeling to confused to detect what it is the "lump" in my heart telling me and there is no one, no place to go. A medium where I tell the truth. A medium that contains my confessions and my honesty. It is a book that only certain people in my life, the ones that I thought have the right to even touch the book will be able to read my days. Yes there is only one person in this world who has the key to my personal diary. One person only holds the key to my heart. Even my mother doesn’t have that kind of honor.

As the world evolves, here I start to write on my blog as well. It is a filtered version of my diary that contains my secret messages to certain someone, or to life or even to the readers. I doubt people could understand my blog though. Blog is actually made for people to tell general stories, information, jokes, stories where the readers could actually relate. Mine? Nope it is not something that is easy for people to relate to. For those who don’t know me, my blog is something they wouldn’t understand. Sometimes I even notice that people actually never really follow my stories. They couldn't even finish reading one. I don’t mind. My blog is the filtered version of my diary. My blog is my secret temple where people could come to know me and try to understand. If not I hoped at least certain people could.

My blog is my secrets, my feelings that I turn into stories, hid several hidden messages to secret someone. My blog contain my way of saying, my way of telling stories. My blog is me. My personalities. My blog is the messenger of my secrets. The things that I want that secret someone to know, to wonder, to question, to think, to know me, reveal my heart, a tool for me to share my days whenever that certain someone is not there around me. It is my way to hope I could reach or to share the tale to the star of my stories.

Actually I don’t have any purpose or exact point when I wrote this story but then I started to wonder, If my blog is my messenger to send my heart to certain someone, how do I actually know if he will ever understand or even receive the tiny bits of my heart right? How do I make sure my messages comes across safely and that he or she actually notices them?